Inspired by Theresa May claiming that the naughtiest thing she’d done as a child was running through a field of wheat, I’ve come up with a list of ways to make this activity naughtier.

1. Leave the gate open so the wheat escapes and The Wurzels get in*.
2. Do it topless. Britain loves a streaker.
3. Do it with a big box of Shredded Wheat, throwing them into the air and shouting “You’re home now, my beige crunchy beauties!” Beware of Ian Botham following you.
4. Do it with a big box of Weetabix, throwing them into the air and shouting “Home sweet home for you Dunk, Bixie, Brains, Crunch and Brian”.
5.  Pause in the middle and play spin the bottle. If any of your colleagues say “It’s not fair boys kissing boys”** then quiz them on their gay marriage views.
6.  Make a giant rude shape by flattening wheat and taking inspiration from the middle portion of the Cerne Abbas Giant.
7. Take a big pile of library books about agriculture and rip out the last page so no one knows when to harvest things.
8. Take a packed lunch but don’t eat the fruit.
9. Pause in the middle to start a pub called The Wheatsheaf. Sell snakebite and black to underage field mice.
10. Take a portable music player and play Anthrax’s “State Of Euphoria” album until the crows beg you for a change.

Surely it’s only a matter of time before I get a new job as a spin doctor? 😉

*What do you mean I know nothing of the ways of the country? I saw some of it through a car window once, making me eminently qualified to write this.

**I’m looking at you Tim Farron.

I was sad to read of the death of Peter Sallis today. He was the last living actor of the classic Last Of The Summer Wine trio of Compo, Clegg and Foggy. You wouldn’t necessarily expect books about heavy metal to mention Last Of The Summer Wine but it gets three mentions in the Eviscerated Panda saga. It was so well written and with with such warm characters, portrayed by great actors.

Here are the mentions of Last Of The Summer Wine:

Cleo asked Jez’s parents questions about their lives and was genuinely interested. It soon became a cosy afternoon.

‘Are you still in that band, what’s it called, Underworked Engine?’ Ken asked.

‘Over-revved Engine. Yes, still going strong’ Jez replied.

‘Do you go and watch them?’ Grace asked Cleo.

‘Always. That’s where we met. They’re really good’ said Cleo.

They watched ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’. Cleo didn’t like the Howard and Marina story line. Marina reminded her of Suzy. She wondered if the character was named Marina because she saw a lot of seamen. She kept this thought to herself. She did enjoy how Compo, Clegg and Foggy still all hung out together having adventures. Foggy reminded her of Phil, he was so bossy and keen to impress his experience on the others.

***

‘Have you never wanted children Suzy?’ Asked Meredith.

‘No way. I don’t want to end up covered in mashed banana with a foo-foo like an Argos stockroom’. Suzy replied.

A massive foo-foo would go with her massive gob thought Meredith. Angie felt self-conscious and hoped no one would ask anything about her foo-foo. Her precious daughter was worth the resulting bodily changes, which weren’t that bad and which could be fixed if necessary. Suzy was a very vain woman thought Paul.

‘Rose is a beautiful name’. Meredith said.

‘Thank you. We thought it was a bit retro and classic’. Angie smiled.

‘It makes me think of Rose in ‘Keeping Up Appearances’, who in turn makes me think of Marina in ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’’. Suzy said.

‘Are those women who have been a big influence on you? Asked Tanith.

‘If you mean that they stood out as beacons of glamour in an otherwise drab group of people, then yes. If however, you mean because they’re both a bit slaggy, then no’. Suzy retorted.

***

The telly was on low in the background. While going through the Christmas Radio Times with her pink highlighter Cleo had spotted one of her favourite episodes of Last Of The Summer Wine entitled ‘Beware of Laughing at Nora’s Hats’, in which a piece of wood behind Herbert ‘Truly’ Truelove looks rude. They cheered when it hove into view. ‘I can just imagine Phil rolling down a hill riding a massive speaker cab, while Suzy is shagging Victor behind a dry stone wall’. Nick said.