Two Questions To Terminus Part Two

Today Terminus talks favourite pudding and the likely causes of the end of the world.

I don’t know the favourite pudding of any of my musical heroes. I’d guess that Danzig likes a Black Forest gateau and that Dave Mustaine likes a lemon cheesecake but this is pure conjecture. I do know what Terminus like best for afters, and now, so can you…

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We’ve got some chocolate agreement and strawberry disagreement within the ranks and Noel’s gone old school with his choice.

Anyway, moving from pudding to doom, one meaning of the word terminus is end, so I thought I’d quiz the chaps as to how they think the world will end?

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Steve says he hasn’t a clue, but John will know.

John thinks it’ll grind to a halt with red tape, bureaucracy and health and safety.

Dean reckons mankind will be annihilated by antibiotic resistant diseases and the earth will be destroyed by alien planet miners. He also thinks it might be ants that wreck the planet.

Liam thinks zombies will be Earth’s ruination.

Noel responded “The world will end in a massive orgy of sex, drugs, and fire. Well, for one of us it will…”

Until then, Terminus will keep on rockin’ in the free world.

 

 

 

Two Questions To Terminus Part One

I’m going to be spending four nights in a row with Terminus later this month when they tour with Stone Trigger and Sykko Dollz so it seemed wise to get to know them a bit better with some insightful and deep* interview questions.

Question one, what was the first gig they ever went to?

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Question two, if a dog ran off with an item of their clothing, would they rather it was their pants or their socks? I asked the dog in this picture if he was considering running off with an item of clothing and he replied “Oh yes!”

PantTheft.jpgSteve said he didn’t care either way. He’s not going to be put off by going commando or foot commando**

Liam preferred to remain fully panted. I’ve made a note of that to see if it changes while on tour.

Dean said that Guy, his PatterJack terrier always steals and hides socks from his family, so stolen pants would make a nice change…

Noel said socks would be his sacrifice to the criminal canine. He claimed “I can’t handle the dangle of no pants”.

John said “Where did this dog come from? Did you leave the door open again?”

Phew! I think that’s enough probing queries to get me a reputation as the next Michael Parkinson. Coming up later this week will be the answers to how Terminus thinks the world will end and what’s their favourite pudding.

 

 

*Actual depth about that of a short gerbil’s paddling pool. I was inspired by the rigorous journalism of the Mandy Annual 2000, an example of which is below:

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**Foot commando, the new name for sock less.

Chris Holmes Mean Man, Fat Lils, Witney, Wednesday 28th June 2017

I got to hear “Animal (F*ck Like A Beast)” live last night and a little bit of my musical jigsaw of wishes* fell into place.

However, Chris Holmes is a hell of a lot more than old WASP classics. He’s an uncompromising musical breath of fresh air. When you have “Go F*ck Yourself” written up the side of your trousers** you’ve made some career and lifestyle choices and you’re sticking to them hard. Holmes pointed out there was no use of samples tonight, it was all live.

We got a great set of Mean Man songs with WASP classics interspersed. With the Mean Man stuff we got a description of what each song was about. I wondered if there was an EU swearword mountain that Holmes is trying to deplete? If so he did a great job. Were this to be packaged as a VHS in 1980s USA it would groan under the weight of parental advisory stickers. I got a sense of frustrations spent through song writing and putting the world to rights.

Holmes was generous about sharing the stage and a highlight for me was when he got Dean Thirkettle, singer of local covers legends*** Terminus up to sing “I Wanna Be Somebody”. I felt like everybody in the place was somebody tonight. The audience was comprised of seasoned gig goers who don’t let work in the morning stop them getting a musical buzz.

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I went to bed happy, wearing my (signed! By your actual Chris Holmes!) T-shirt that proclaims “Chris Holmes I’m A Mean Motherf**king Man”.

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Finally, you can watch this recent interview with Chris Holmes in a swimming pool if like me you watched him on Decline Of The Western Civilisation Part II The Metal Years as an impressionable teenager and want to see a more mature re-creation.

 

 

*What’s a musical jigsaw of wishes, you might be asking? You probably have one too, it’s all the music you love and want to experience live and you have to fill in the gaps you haven’t done yet. Some of it has needed doing since you were a teenager and you weren’t old enough for gigs or were broke when someone awesome came to town, or tickets sold out. Some of it is stuff you’ve seen once and was so epic you need to see it again. The particular puzzle piece of “Animal (F*ck Like A Beast) has been niggling at me since I saw WASP at Wacken in 2010 and they didn’t play it. I like that it was on a Wednesday, or hump day, when I finally got to hear it. While writing this I attempted the abbreviation “Animal (F.L.A.B)” but didn’t like it.

 

**Wonder what shop these came from and if the tailor said “Suits You, Sir” when Holmes came out of the dressing room wearing them? They’re definitely not George at Asda.

 

***Full disclosure, I’m married to the lead guitarist and may not be the most impartial judge. But you can judge for yourself if you come and see them on tour with Stone Trigger and Sykko Dollz in July.

 

 

Feeding Things To Snaggletooth Part 50

This week I reached the milestone of the 200th thing fed to Snaggletooth! It was a rich tea biscuit. Also this week he’s had a Yorkie, a cup cake with heart sprinkles and some root beer flavoured rock.

He’s also been fed a peppermint candy cane by Daisy D’Heria over on Twitter because it’s half way to Lemmy’s birthday (Christmas Eve).

Daisy Snag Cane

Lunchtime For The Wild Youth – Issue 3 The gigs part two

ZineI came across this zine via the Facebook group Oxfordshire Music Scene and decided to give it a read. It’s the gig memories of a chap called Russell Barker and has wonderful pictures drawn by his daughter Robyn. It also has images of concert tickets. It’s a truly charming read and reminded me of the time I saw Carter at The Old Gaol in Abingdon. Barker mainly attended gigs in Kidderminster and Birmingham so if you’re from these areas it may have an added interest. Although Barker’s taste differs from mine (he’s more indie, I’m all about the metal) the commonality of gig going and gig loving makes this entertaining and it provides a catalyst for the gig memories of any music lover.

10 Ways To Make Running Through A Field Of Wheat Naughtier

Inspired by Theresa May claiming that the naughtiest thing she’d done as a child was running through a field of wheat, I’ve come up with a list of ways to make this activity naughtier.

  1. Leave the gate open so the wheat escapes and The Wurzels get in*.
  2. Do it topless. Britain loves a streaker.
  3. Do it with a big box of Shredded Wheat, throwing them into the air and shouting “You’re home now, my beige crunchy beauties!” Beware of Ian Botham following you.Beefy
  4. Do it with a big box of Weetabix, throwing them into the air and shouting “Home sweet home for you Dunk, Bixie, Brains, Crunch and Brian”.1980s-Weetabix-Neet-Weet-Gang-A3-poster
  5.  Pause in the middle and play spin the bottle. If any of your colleagues say “It’s not fair boys kissing boys”** then quiz them on their gay marriage views.
  6.  Make a giant rude shape by flattening wheat and taking inspiration from the middle portion of the Cerne Abbas Giant.
  7. Take a big pile of library books about agriculture and rip out the last page so no one knows when to harvest things.
  8. Take a packed lunch but don’t eat the fruit.
  9. Pause in the middle to start a pub called The Wheatsheaf. Sell snakebite and black to underage field mice.
  10. Take a portable music player and play Anthrax’s “State Of Euphoria” album until the crows beg you for a change.

Surely it’s only a matter of time before I get a new job as a spin doctor? 😉

 

 

*What do you mean I know nothing of the ways of the country? I saw some of it through a car window once, making me eminently qualified to write this.

**I’m looking at you Tim Farron.

 

Feeding Things To Snaggletooth Part 48

Snaggletooth has been eating an unusual diet this week; peanut butter and jam bagel, a cream horn, Mary Jane peanut butter and molasses flavour chews and carnations.

It’s not just me who has been feeding Snaggletooth, over on Twitter Daisy D’Heria has been joining in and treating him to zebra cake and strawberry.

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Happy International Day Of Slayer

Yeah, you read that right, it’s International Day Of Slayer! I’ve just counted and I make 57 mentions of Slayer in Cleo Howard’s Diaries and 44 in the Eviscerated Panda Saga. They’ve been in my ears for years and as a teenager I sulked around garden centres with my family while wearing a Slayer T-shirt, wanting to be left to listen to Slayer on my Walkman (for younger readers a Walkman is an olden days MP3 player that you put cassette tapes in). “Cheer up faceache, I’ll buy you some fudge” my nan would say and I’d muster a small number of words affirming that I suppose I could probably eat some fudge. I bet Tom Araya isn’t eating fudge I’d be thinking. I bet he’s doing something cool and no one has asked his opinion on which is the healthiest looking clematis.

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Anyway, here are the January 1997 entries from Cleo Howard’s Diary that mention Slayer:

Saturday 4th January 1997

Tonight at the Green Man (Reading’s best pub, Dear Diary) there was me, Ian, Jenni, Bob and Simon The Raspberry. I love going to the pub. We sat in a corner by a fireplace. There was great stuff played on the jukebox: Megadeth’s “In My Darkest Hour”, Ozzy Osbourne’s “Bark at the Moon”, Slayer’s “Angel of Death” and Entombed’s “Demon”.

Sunday 12th January 1997

I lay in bed all morning reading The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy and listening to Slayer’s Reign in Blood album. Then I got up for dinner (cheese crispy pancakes, peas and mash, followed by yummy Viennetta). Then I lay in bed all afternoon until Mum made me go up the shop for her to get loo roll because we’ve run out. She made me brush my hair as well as getting dressed! For Lemmy’s sake, it’s a Sunday, and no-one cares if you buy loo roll with untidy hair. Also, she works in a supermarket, so why do we keep running out of basic stuff?

 Monday 20th January 1997

It was so hard to get out of bed today. I wanted to stay in my cosy sleep fog. If it wasn’t for Mum shouting up the stairs and for Slayer’s “South of Heaven” I’d never have got upright.

Some twats at school today were going on about how great ecstasy is and how Brian Harvey shouldn’t have got kicked out of East 17 for taking it. Frankly I don’t care how East 17 end, just so long as they do.

Meanwhile, I’ve got bigger stuff to think about, should I dye my hair blonde? The Great Kat looks amazing. Ian said she gives him a stiffy of epic proportions. He thinks she would give the best hand jobs in the world because of her guitar virtuosity. I said maybe she’ll tug him off and record his grunting noises and squeals of pleasure as a track on her next album.

Lex and Mopey Dick spoke to me and Jenni today. They are in the sixth form and are Goths. Jenni fancies Lex even more than she fancies Dazza. Mopey needed to borrow some eyeliner. He said he felt naked without it. He talks really slowly, like just being alive is an effort. He sounds a bit like a record played at the wrong speed. His proper name is Richard Rippingdale and he tried to get everyone to call him “Ripper”, which is a very good Goth name, but instead every calls him Mopey Dick, which suits him well.

We did long division in Maths today. I did really, really long division because it seems to take me longer than everyone else.

 

Last Of The Classic Trio Of Compo, Clegg and Foggy

I was sad to read of the death of Peter Sallis today. He was the last living actor of the classic Last Of The Summer Wine trio of Compo, Clegg and Foggy. You wouldn’t necessarily expect books about heavy metal to mention Last Of The Summer Wine but it gets three mentions in the Eviscerated Panda saga. It was so well written and with with such warm characters, portrayed by great actors.

Here are the mentions of Last Of The Summer Wine:

Cleo asked Jez’s parents questions about their lives and was genuinely interested. It soon became a cosy afternoon.

‘Are you still in that band, what’s it called, Underworked Engine?’ Ken asked.

‘Over-revved Engine. Yes, still going strong’ Jez replied.

‘Do you go and watch them?’ Grace asked Cleo.

‘Always. That’s where we met. They’re really good’ said Cleo.

They watched ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’. Cleo didn’t like the Howard and Marina story line. Marina reminded her of Suzy. She wondered if the character was named Marina because she saw a lot of seamen. She kept this thought to herself. She did enjoy how Compo, Clegg and Foggy still all hung out together having adventures. Foggy reminded her of Phil, he was so bossy and keen to impress his experience on the others.

***

‘Have you never wanted children Suzy?’ Asked Meredith.

‘No way. I don’t want to end up covered in mashed banana with a foo-foo like an Argos stockroom’. Suzy replied.

A massive foo-foo would go with her massive gob thought Meredith. Angie felt self-conscious and hoped no one would ask anything about her foo-foo. Her precious daughter was worth the resulting bodily changes, which weren’t that bad and which could be fixed if necessary. Suzy was a very vain woman thought Paul.

‘Rose is a beautiful name’. Meredith said.

‘Thank you. We thought it was a bit retro and classic’. Angie smiled.

‘It makes me think of Rose in ‘Keeping Up Appearances’, who in turn makes me think of Marina in ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’’. Suzy said.

‘Are those women who have been a big influence on you? Asked Tanith.

‘If you mean that they stood out as beacons of glamour in an otherwise drab group of people, then yes. If however, you mean because they’re both a bit slaggy, then no’. Suzy retorted.

***

The telly was on low in the background. While going through the Christmas Radio Times with her pink highlighter Cleo had spotted one of her favourite episodes of Last Of The Summer Wine entitled ‘Beware of Laughing at Nora’s Hats’, in which a piece of wood behind Herbert ‘Truly’ Truelove looks rude. They cheered when it hove into view. ‘I can just imagine Phil rolling down a hill riding a massive speaker cab, while Suzy is shagging Victor behind a dry stone wall’. Nick said.

Herbert Truelove photobombed by wood LOTSW