Bands Say The Funniest Things…

Stone TrigFrom 20th to 23rd July I’ll be chronicling the adventures of Terminus as they go on tour with Sykko Dollz and Stone Trigger. I hope all these chaps are having an early night tonight and I hope they’ve planned their tourdrobes*.

I predict it’s going to get quite rock n roll out there. At the very least people are going to eat sandwiches without putting a plate under them. People are going to stay up past midnight. People might not change their pants** every day.

I have no doubt some amusing things will get said while people are cooped up in a van. Until this happens, let’s have a reminder of some words from three great films about playing gigs/touring; Bad News Tour (1983), This Is Spinal Tap (1984) and David Brent Life On The Road (2016).

BadNewsQuotes from Bad News Tour:

Colin Grigson “Another heavy-metal day. No sleep until Castle Donington. Better have some vibes”.

Vim Fuego “Oh Jimi who art in heaven, Hendrix be thy name”.

Spider Webb “It’s all anarchy, innit?”

Den Dennis “I’m not getting back in the van until Alan says we’re heavy metal”.

Spinal TapQuotes from Spinal Tap:

Nigel Tufnell “I’ll rise above it. I’m a professional.”

Nigel Tufnell “They see us onstage with tight trousers. We’ve got, you know, armadillos in our trousers. It’s really quite frightening”.

David St Hubbins “They were still booing him when we came on stage”.

Derek SmallsWe’re very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they’re like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They’re two distinct types of visionaries, it’s like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water”.

Ian Faith (band manager) “Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful”.

BrentAnd finally, although this is a much more recent film and the music isn’t as heavy as I’d like, David Brent’s Life On The Road sums things up nicely with this quote from the Brentmeister General:

“I don’t need to be a rock star, you know? That’s just something I enjoy doing. I can live without being a success. But um, I couldn’t have lived without trying, and I did that. So, and everything works out, doesn’t it? You think you want one thing, along the way, and then you realise you needed something else. Life’s a struggle, with little beautiful surprises that make you wanna carry on through all the shit to the next little beautiful surprise, so yeah. All good”.

 

*A tourdrobe is a tour wardrobe – the clothes you wear on tour.

**If you’re reading this Mum, I will be changing my pants every day.

Two Questions To Terminus Part Ten

Today Terminus tell us what they think is the best use of a potato and give us their choices of three songs to get a quiet pub rocking on a Saturday night.

Best Use Of A PotatoTerminus 5 pink Star

 

I think the above answers reassure us that if Terminus happened to be paid for a gig in potatoes* they would not be wasted.

I also asked Terminus, if you were in a quiet pub on a Saturday night with an internet jukebox, what three songs would you put on to get the party started?

All the links to these songs on YouTube open in a new window. All of Noel’s choices are unknown to me.

John would choose Manowar – Heart Of SteelAccept – Balls To The Wall & AC/DC – Riff Raff.

Steve picked Kiss – Detroit Rock City, Meatloaf – Bat Out Of Hell** & Van Halen – Jump.

Noel selected T’Pau – Island, Huey Lewis And The News – Walking With The Kid & Jon & Vangelis – I’ll Find My Way Home.

Dean opted for Hardcore Superstar – We Don’t Celebrate SundaysMötley Crüe – Kickstart My Heart & Lordi – Hard Rock Hallelujah.

Liam’s carefully considered tunes are Steel Panther – Tomorrow Night, Metallica – Creeping Death & the classic riffage of Pantera – Cowboys From Hell.

 

 

*Maybe the Potato Council will book them for their Christmas party.

**A good value jukebox choice, it’s long and Meat is wearing a smashing blouse.

Two Questions To Terminus Part Nine

Today Terminus reveal what their favourite jam is and who their musical influences are.

FaveJamTerminusFunFactsGreenStarsPinkStar.jpg

John’s fave jam is orange marmalade. Citrus fruits think they’re special and refuse to be lumped in with other fruits* and so insist on being called marmalades when they give themselves up to a sugary bath and being put in a jar.

Noel has misunderstood the question and thought about a musical jam, which is when two or more people who can play an instrument show off to each other for a bit. Jams can go on for hours and usually only stop at bed time or when someone’s Mum calls them in for their tea.

Jamwaynes-worldDean makes his own blackberry and apple jam. How’s that for rock and roll? He also makes awesome chutney. Preserve on dude!

Steve likes raspberry seedless jam. This is the jam that most commonly gets the gig for hanging around inside doughnuts. You’ve probably worn a sugar encrusted blob of this on your jumper at some time in your life.

Liam doesn’t like jam! If he has toast, he puts baked beans on it. No-one has invented baked bean jam yet.

I had no idea jam was such a fascinating subject, but let’s unstick ourselves and find out about who influences Terminus musically.

Steve is influenced by Geddy Lee, Lemmy** and Billy Sheehan.

Liam takes inspiration from James Hetfield, Zakk Wylde, Dimebag Darrell, Scott Ian, and Randy Rhoads.

Bonham kit
A John Bonham drum kit at Hard Rock Cafe, London

Noel favours Marco Minemann, Hannah Ford and John Bonham.

Dean has a set of influences for when singing with Terminus and for when drumming, because he can do that too (cripes! How does he find time with all that jam making?) Vocally Dean’s influences are Geoff Tate, Snowy Shaw and Blaze Bailey. Drummerly influences are Vikki Foxx, Steve Adler and Petter Karlson.

John is influenced by Joe Bonamassa, Gary Hoey and BB King. John has met Gary Hoey twice and was jolly pleased both times. He’s probably going to buy a Dobro guitar because he saw Gary use one and he liked the sound.

 

 

 

*The worldwide council of oranges, limes, lemons and grapefruits meet once a year to decide their agenda for the coming twelve months. In a secret document I’ve (probably) seen, their plan for this year is to squirt you while you try to eat them and to go off if you disrespect them by not using them quite quickly.

**Aren’t we all? What situation can’t be helped by asking yourself “What would Lemmy do?”

Two Questions To Terminus Part Eight

The start of the Sleaze In The City tour, during which Terminus support Stone Trigger and Sykko Dollz is getting close now so I asked Terminus what would be their biggest challenge on tour and if they could have a three item rider, what would they ask for?

I’ll give you the biggest challenge answers word for word and you can decide for yourself what the atmos in the van will be like by day four!

Steve’s biggest challenge on tour will be “Not killing the bloody singer”.

Liam’s will be “Keeping my guitars clean”.

Noel’s is “Not killing anyone”.

Dean’s is “Staying sober and not being murdered by the bassist…”.

John’s is “Not strangling the other band members”.

I’m sure this is just the band banter of great mates, like in Bad News or Spinal Tap.

BadNews

The rider question was inspired by my reading of The Little Red Riders Book. This splendid book reveals that Motörhead asked for Kinder Surprise eggs. Also revealed is that Def Leppard wanted fruit juice, wheat-free cookies and very, very small plums and it was Van Halen who asked for a bowl of M&Ms with the brown ones taken out.

Riders

I asked Terminus what three items would you like on your rider?

Steve would like Coors Light, nachos and tequila.

Liam’s preference is for Diet Pepsi, comic books and wifi for YouTube.

Noel wants a  USB charger, unlimited water, and a new drumkit.

Dean wants veggie Pizza, Kraken rum and Coke.

John wants cold cider. I pointed out this was one item. He said “Okay, three cold ciders then”.

Simple men with simple tastes, unlike David Hasselhoff, who requested a life-size cut out of David Hasslehoff!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Questions To Terminus Part Seven

Today I ask if Terminus was an animal, what animal would it be? Also, would they go to a gig to watch the hologram of a dead musician perform? And if so, who would they like to see?

The animal Terminus would be quite a beastie if you took all five answers and imagined the resulting creature.

What Animal Terminus 5 pink Star.jpg

All the chaps had a good reason for their answer. John chose panda because they’re fat, lazy and have rubbish sex lives. Noel picked a herd of spiders* because Terminus is just as uncontrollable. Dean chose the goat for being satanic, yet friendly.

We had two votes for elephant. Steve’s reasoning was because elephants are overweight and full of shit (I think they’re being too hard on themselves, I prefer to think of them as cuddly and keen to share their opinions) and Liam chose elephant because of loudness.

We’ve ended up with Terminus being a spipandelephoat (my spell check hates this word and wants it to be radiotelephone). The spipandelephoat has the legs of a spider and the legs of a goat, with the head of an elephant and the fluffy bottom and body of a panda. If anyone can draw it, or a herd of it, I will reward them with a biscuit.

There are sadly a lot of musicians who’ve checked into the big after party in the sky. We miss their huge talents. One of the reasons I love covers bands is because they can play music that can no longer be heard live by the original artists.

So, would any of Terminus watch a hologram? We have three negative answers and two positives.

Jem and the holograms

Dean says he wouldn’t pay for a hologram. He says “Long live live music!” John also says no. Steve answered “No, I don’t want to see Dio!!” He’s referring to the use of a Ronnie James Dio hologram at Wacken 2016.

Liam  would watch a hologram so he could see Pantera with Dimebag on guitar. Noel  would watch a hologram Freddie Mercury**

Perhaps the best holograms are still Jem and the Holograms from the late 80s cartoon.

 

 

 

*Yeah, we know the collective term for spiders is more usually a cluster or a clutter. But Noel and I much prefer herd.

**Science fact – Freddie Mercury is no longer allowed to be used in the manufacture of thermometers, having been replaced with the safer alternative ethanol. Freddie Ethanol doesn’t have the same ring to it somehow.

Two Questions To Terminus Part Six

Today Terminus reveal their favourite books and tell us what they think is the most romantic song ever.

TerminusFaveBooks.jpg

The History of Noel by Noel is not available from all good book shops.

GoodOmens-Hard-1990Here are a few great quotes from Good Omens;

“All tapes left in a car for more than about a fortnight metamorphose into Best of Queen albums.”

“The really important thing to be was yourself, just as hard as you could.”

“Anyway, if you stopped tellin’ people it’s all sorted out after they’re dead, they might try sorting it all out while they’re alive.”

 

If music is the food of love*, Terminus lay on an amorous buffet at every gig. I quizzed them on what they think the most romantic song is.

Steve thinks that Jackyl’s She Loves My Cock is the most romantic song ever. This is a nice choice, who wouldn’t want to be serenaded by this?

Noel’s choice is Mel C’s Be the one. Solo spice-tastic!

John’s is Joe Bonamassa and Beth Hart’s I’ll take care of you.

Dean’s is Enuff Z’Nuff’s Strength.

Liam’s is Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters.

 

*It isn’t, but people say it is and it’s one of those Shakespeare phrases that requires explanation.  Basically, a chap called Duke Orsino from Twelfth Night said “If music be the food of love, play on!” because he really fancied someone called Olivia who had given up men for seven years. Duke Orsino wanted to get full up of music so he’d stop wanting love and stop fancying Olivia**. However, this didn’t happen, no matter how much music he listened to he still wanted love and so music is not the food of love but people keep saying it is.

bertolli-olivio-spread-1kg-**If I was Shakespeare I’d have made a joke about Olivia sounding like Olivio, the vegetable fat product that spreads easily, because Olivia has given up men so is not spreading (her legs) at all. But now they’ve changed the name to Bertolli.

 

 

 

Two Questions To Terminus Part Five

Today Terminus tell us what their favourite film is and what song they would like to add to their set but have been scuppered in doing so by at least one of the other members not wanting to play it.

FaveFilmsTerminusFunFactsGreenStarsPinkStar.jpg

StahamTraaasahsFun fact – Jason Statham is unable to say the word “trousers” without an air of menace. If you’d like to try saying “trousers” in a hard man way then make a face like you’ve just smelt some gone off milk and pronounce “trousers” as “traaa-sahs”.

 

Having to all agree on what to play makes being in a covers band interesting. Here’s some songs you’ll not hear Terminus do any time soon due to a lack of consensus:

Steve would like to play Warrant’s Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

Noel would like to play The Carpenters’ We’ve Only Just Begun.

Dean would like to play Manowar’s Thor (the powerhead).

Liam would like to play the Power Rangers Theme song and Pantera’s Cowboys From Hell.

John couldn’t think of one so maybe he always gets his way!

 

 

 

 

Two Questions To Terminus Part Four

Today Terminus tell us the first album they bought with their own money and what flavour they think nipples should be.

Steve’s first album was Slade’s Old New Borrowed and Blue.

Noel’s was The Essential Jean-Michel Jarre.

John’s was Judas Priest’s Unleashed In The East. A copy of this is framed in the room where he practises guitar.

Dean’s was Tubeway Army’s Replicas.

Liam says his was probably a Metallica album.

 

Moving on to the nipples question, Steve’s answer seems kinkiest to me and Liam’s sounds sticky. Dean was the only one to show his working when answering this question, he thinks that the visual appearance of nipples is cherry-like so he’d like a concordance in their taste.

TerminusNipplesFunFactsGreenStarsPinkStar.jpg

The image below is provided to allow you, the inquisitive reader, to test Dean’s theory.

Step 1, locate a chest. This can be yours or that of a willing* volunteer.

Step 2, view the nipples located on the chest. You can expect to find approximately two.

Step 3, compare the nipples you’ve just viewed live with the cherries in the image below.

Step 4, draw your own conclusion about the similarity (or not) between cherries and nipples.

BarbaraBakewell.jpg

 

*Ask them clearly, do you consent to me taking a peek at your chest (mainly) in the interests of science? If yes, proceed. If not leave the bus shelter/supermarket/pub/ and try elsewhere.

Two Questions To Terminus Part Three

Today Terminus have thought about a support band they would like and what their super power would be.

SupportBandTerminusFunFactsGreenStarsPinkStar.jpg

Both The Crushing and Get Loose are talented and original local bands.

NoelBringing joy to an audience with rock/metal/blues covers is already a kind of super power but I asked Terminus what other super power they would have.

Steve said we should ask his girlfriend*.

Liam’s super power would be to be bitten by a radioactive spider and become Spider-Man.  I can see a lycra stage suit in his future.

Noel’s superhuman talent is that he can wear shorts** in the coldest of weather.

Dean says his is “Farts of Doom!” and he used capital letters so I’m taking this very seriously. I’ve just remembered I’m probably going to be in a van with him soon. Yoicks!

John claims modesty as the super power he would have. Yes, most lead guitarists say that.

Check back tomorrow when Terminus may or may not answer the question of what flavour they think nipples should be.

 

 

*Note to self. Never ask a question you don’t really want the answer to.

**He’s got the finely muscled legs of a keen drummer. It would be a shame to waste them with a full length trouser.

 

Two Questions To Terminus Part Two

Today Terminus talks favourite pudding and the likely causes of the end of the world.

I don’t know the favourite pudding of any of my musical heroes. I’d guess that Danzig likes a Black Forest gateau and that Dave Mustaine likes a lemon cheesecake but this is pure conjecture. I do know what Terminus like best for afters, and now, so can you…

TerminusFavePuddingFunFactsGreenStarsPinkStar

We’ve got some chocolate agreement and strawberry disagreement within the ranks and Noel’s gone old school with his choice.

Anyway, moving from pudding to doom, one meaning of the word terminus is end, so I thought I’d quiz the chaps as to how they think the world will end?

NASA imageEarthGotToGo.jpg

Steve says he hasn’t a clue, but John will know.

John thinks it’ll grind to a halt with red tape, bureaucracy and health and safety.

Dean reckons mankind will be annihilated by antibiotic resistant diseases and the earth will be destroyed by alien planet miners. He also thinks it might be ants that wreck the planet.

Liam thinks zombies will be Earth’s ruination.

Noel responded “The world will end in a massive orgy of sex, drugs, and fire. Well, for one of us it will…”

Until then, Terminus will keep on rockin’ in the free world.