This week Snaggletooth has been eating fancy KitKats, Girl Scout cookies bought on holiday in Tampa, an Almond Joy bar (which is like a Bounty bar but with two bonus almond nipples hiding under chocolate) and some peanut butter and chocolate Easter bunnies.
This week Snaggletooth’s tooth has been exclusively sweet. He’s eaten mango flavour Pocky (which I got from the fab Japan Centre near Piccadilly Circus), chocolate doughnuts made by the delightfully named Otis Spunkmeyer, a Freddo Treasures and some unicorn edition Jammie Dodgers.
My first novel Eviscerated Panda A Metal Tale is free on Kindle this weekend (9th and 10th February 2019).
Here’s the blurb: Eviscerated Panda are a newly formed thrash metal band. They are the brainchild of ageing lead guitarist Phil Winter. They represent his big hope for regaining his former musical self-esteem and his luck with the ladies. Phil had to hastily exit stage left from his last band when his dalliances with the drummer’s fiancée were discovered.
Young singer and underachiever Nick loves the band because it provides an escape from his dull job in a supermarket. For rhythm guitarist Ian it’s all he’s ever wanted to do. For bass player Jim it’s a pleasant hobby, at least to begin with. For drummer Paul it’s a step up from being in a covers band and a sometime causer of arguments between him and his wife.
A band is much more than just the musicians in it, it’s a whole ecosystem. A female perspective is given by close friends Cleo and Jenni as the Pandas play to and hang out with an audience comprised of friends, fans, wives, girlfriends, future girlfriends, lovers, promoters, other bands, interested spectators and uninterested spectators. After a nervous first gig in their native Reading they play in Swindon, Coventry, Oxford, Dudley, Brighton, Birmingham and Camden. In between gigs they mostly go to the pub, eat biscuits, record an E.P, read a girl’s guide to heavy metal written by Cleo, practice and make grandiose plans for their future. Occasionally they get laid. Even more occasionally they get paid to play.
Also free today is the sequel, Eviscerated Panda Back In Bamboo. Here’s the blurb: Eviscerated Panda – Back In Bamboo is a book that meanders around the topics of heavy metal, happiness, sex, morality, love and biscuits. It follows the lives of keen for success metal band Eviscerated Panda and their friends, families and lovers over a four month period. There are chance meetings with old band mates, birthday celebrations and career aspirations.
Eviscerated Panda play loud gigs in Camden, in Coventry, in their home town of Reading and in Torquay. They have to cope with the temporary closure of their favourite pub, the Green Man, which is the scene of much of their carousing. Ian has trouble in his life of love while Dean and Lucy are getting started on theirs, if only his Mum would give them a minute of privacy. Suzi does a rude thing in a dressing room suitable only for mature readers.
They go to see the inspiring kings of metal, Manowar. They play an April Fool’s day joke on their fans. Some of them wake up in a room that smells of onions. The book ends with the Pandas playing on the same bill as Nightshade Milkshake, the band that lead guitarist Phil was in before he made the Pandas happen.
Snaggletooth has been eating things left over from Christmas so far this January. He’s not bothering with any new year diet plans. He chomped some rum flavour cake balls which weren’t as rummy as he’d have liked. He enjoyed some fruit and nut chocolate. He deforested a whole canister of Treeselets and he nibbled delicately at some Thorntons’ Continental chocolates.
This weekend (19th and 20th January 2019) I’m offering two of the Cleo Howard diaries free on Kindle. They are usually priced at £1.99 each.
The first in the series is The Very Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard 1997.
Here is its blurb: The year is 1997. Cleo Howard is at a very awkward age, she’s sure she’s an adult, so why won’t everyone realise this? Why won’t her chest realise this? Why is Maths so hard? When will she stop feeling sad that her Dad doesn’t live with her and her Mum? Music and men are her twin fascinations and she thanks Almighty Lemmy for metal and mates. Her diary is home to her deepest thoughts, fondest wishes and often what she had for tea.
You can download it from Amazon at The Very Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard 1997.
The second in the series is The Mega Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard 1998.
Here is its blurb: The year is 1998. The location is Reading, England. Cleo Howard is almost sixteen years old. It’s going to be a big year. By the end of it she’ll have seen Black Sabbath and Slayer, sat her GCSEs, been alone with a man and Opal Fruits will have been renamed Starburst. It’s a time of great change. Cleo is lucky to have her constant companions Ian and Jenni to help her weather the storms of her world.
You can download it from Amazon at The Mega Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard 1998.
I wish you lots of happy reading in 2019 and would be delighted if one of the books you read is written by me!