Snaggletooth has been eating peanut butter pumpkins, a chocolate Christmas tree, brandy butter mince pies and some toasted egg yolk turron.
My first novel Eviscerated Panda A Metal Tale is free on Kindle this weekend (19th and 20th October 2019).
Here’s the blurb: Eviscerated Panda are a newly formed thrash metal band. They are the brainchild of ageing lead guitarist Phil Winter. They represent his big hope for regaining his former musical self-esteem and his luck with the ladies. Phil had to hastily exit stage left from his last band when his dalliances with the drummer’s fiancée were discovered.
Young singer and underachiever Nick loves the band because it provides an escape from his dull job in a supermarket. For rhythm guitarist Ian it’s all he’s ever wanted to do. For bass player Jim it’s a pleasant hobby, at least to begin with. For drummer Paul it’s a step up from being in a covers band and a sometime causer of arguments between him and his wife.
A band is much more than just the musicians in it, it’s a whole ecosystem. A female perspective is given by close friends Cleo and Jenni as the Pandas play to and hang out with an audience comprised of friends, fans, wives, girlfriends, future girlfriends, lovers, promoters, other bands, interested spectators and uninterested spectators. After a nervous first gig in their native Reading they play in Swindon, Coventry, Oxford, Dudley, Brighton, Birmingham and Camden. In between gigs they mostly go to the pub, eat biscuits, record an E.P, read a girl’s guide to heavy metal written by Cleo, practice and make grandiose plans for their future. Occasionally they get laid. Even more occasionally they get paid to play.
Also free today is the sequel, Eviscerated Panda Back In Bamboo. Here’s the blurb: Eviscerated Panda – Back In Bamboo is a book that meanders around the topics of heavy metal, happiness, sex, morality, love and biscuits. It follows the lives of keen for success metal band Eviscerated Panda and their friends, families and lovers over a four month period. There are chance meetings with old band mates, birthday celebrations and career aspirations.
Eviscerated Panda play loud gigs in Camden, in Coventry, in their home town of Reading and in Torquay. They have to cope with the temporary closure of their favourite pub, the Green Man, which is the scene of much of their carousing. Ian has trouble in his life of love while Dean and Lucy are getting started on theirs, if only his Mum would give them a minute of privacy. Suzi does a rude thing in a dressing room suitable only for mature readers.
They go to see the inspiring kings of metal, Manowar. They play an April Fool’s day joke on their fans. Some of them wake up in a room that smells of onions. The book ends with the Pandas playing on the same bill as Nightshade Milkshake, the band that lead guitarist Phil was in before he made the Pandas happen.
My two favourite foods are cheese and chocolate so I often feed these to Snaggletooth. Recently he’s chomped salted caramel whips, Pie d’Angloys camembert (the first camembert I have ever bought), fancy chocolate cupcakes (on offer in waitrose, they’re five pounds a box usually!!) and Whittakers plum and almond chocolate (a lovely gift from my cousin who lives in New Zealand.
AC/DC have given us 162 songs on 16 studio albums. That’s a wealth of great tunes. Of these 162 songs, there are 71 songs about sex,
16.5 about love,
17.5 about rocking (the importance of),
13.5 about crime,
11.5 about personal power/ego,
11 about the human condition,
5 about rejection of social norms
4 about war,
3 about parties
3 about alcohol
2 about gambling
2 about television
1 about loneliness
1 about bad weather.
To answer the question of was the Bon era or Brian era sexiest – Bon sex songs count is 21, Brian sex songs count is 50. However, we got 6 Bon albums and 10 Brian ones. So, 21 songs divided between 6 albums is 3.5 sex songs per album on average, while 50 songs divided between 10 albums is 5 sex songs per album on average, demonstrating that the Brian era is a bit sexier.
What I’d really like to do now is put all the AC/DC lyrics into some software (maybe NVivo) and answer questions like how many times have AC/DC used the words honey and hard? I’m also working on rewriting “Have a Drink on Me” to be about eating biscuits and having sex. It’ll be re-titled Hobnob with me. Watch this space…
The final album we’re looking at is Rock or Bust. We’ve got fourteen categories of lyrical content to choose from (and if none of these fit we’ll create new ones). Our categories so far are; sex, gambling, rocking (the importance of), love, personal power/ego, crime, loneliness, parties, the human condition, rejection of social norms, alcohol, war, television and bad weather.
Rock or Bust – rocking (the importance of), supporting lyrical evidence “In rock we trust, it’s rock or bust”.
Play Ball – this is half parties and half alcohol, supporting parties lyrical evidence “I said, it’s party time”, supporting alcohol lyrical evidence “Fill my cup, pour me another round”.
Rock the Blues Away – this is half rocking (the importance of) and half the human condition because it’s about using rocking to cope with life. Supporting lyrical evidence “We won’t get the blues because we rock the blues away”.
Miss Adventure – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Feelin’ like some hot cross buns, love you, love you all the night”.
Dogs of War – war, obviously.
Got Some Rock & Roll Thunder – personal power/ego, supporting lyrical evidence “I said feeling great and ready to roll, I got the rock and roll thunder”.
Hard Times – the human condition, we all have hard times, supporting lyrical evidence “Hard times, blue and sad”. I would have predicted from the title alone that this song would be about sex.
Baptism by Fire –gambling, supporting lyrical evidence “Play your hand, come on and play your hand”.
Rock the House – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Mistress, mistress, all night long, hey, ooh keep on coming” and the unhygienic sounding “Hot to the taste, oozin’ out on my plate”.
Sweet Candy – sex, this seems to be about watching a pole dancer called Candy (probably not her real name), supporting lyrical evidence “She do a dance, slides down a pole, she turn a backflip, make your heart roll”.
Emission Control – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Turn on emission, the engine comes alive, she takes to pairing mama, like a lion ready to strike”. In this song engine = penis.
Conclusion – this album is 36% sex, 14% rocking (the importance of), 14% human condition, 9% war, 9% personal power/ego, 9% gambling, 4.5% parties and 4.5% alcohol.
There are no more AC/DC studio albums to dissect. Next I’m going to look at all 16 albums (162 songs) together and see which are the most popular lyrical topics. I’m also going to look at Bon era and Brian era songs and calculate which era was most about sex.
The next album we’re looking at is Black Ice. We’ve got thirteen categories of lyrical content to choose from (and if none of these fit we’ll create new ones). Our categories so far are; sex, gambling, rocking (the importance of), love, personal power/ego, crime, loneliness, parties, the human condition, rejection of social norms, alcohol, war and television.
Rock ‘n’ Roll Train – sex, the train in this song is a woman “You know she’s just like a runaway train”.
Skies on Fire – I think this is a love song, supporting lyrical evidence “I know you and, you know me, tell me what it is you want it to be, what you want to be, what you need in me”.
Big Jack – personal power/ego, supporting lyrical evidence “Big Jack, Big Jack, he said that he’s the only one who got a full sack”. Big Jack sounds like a show off to me.
Anything Goes – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “You know she’s blowing away all the others, you’re never man enough take it on all night”.
War Machine – war. It’s right there in the title.
Smash ‘n’ Grab – crime, supporting lyrical evidence “Steal the money, I’m taking while I can”.
Spoilin’ for a Fight – love, it’s a bit confused but this seems to be a fighting with a lady type of song, supporting lyrical evidence “Then you’re fighting all night, with my rocking shoes, cause I’m hungry for you”. Why fight with someone’s shoes?
Wheels – sex, the vehicle in this song is a woman. Supporting lyrical evidence “Ain’t no fakin’ she wanna take you out, you betcha right, she’s gonna spin you ’round”. This is the sort of woman that would not update her sat nav before an unfamiliar journey.
Decibel – rocking (the importance of), supporting lyrical evidence “They’re in there rocking standing proud, decibel, that’s the history of rock and roll”.
Stormy May Day – this song needs a new category of bad weather. Supporting lyrical evidence “The storm is raging, winds are howling”.
She Likes Rock ‘n’ Roll – rocking (the importance of), supporting lyrical evidence “We gonna rock you now, rockin’ and rollin’ all in the town, you’re gonna make it right, we’re gonna need to rock all night”.
Money Made – this sounds like the rejection of social norms to me, supporting lyrical evidence “She couldn’t get away, spending cash all about, the die was cast, there’s no burning out” which implies being trapped into a lifestyle.
Rock ‘n’ Roll Dream – This is bewildering. It asks two questions “Where goes a woman with a warm embrace? and “Does a man walk in the hard rain?” I think the sharks in this song might be women and I’ll guess this is about them being predatory in some way “You pretty women gather ’round, you can’t pick up not a single sound, you feel you’re winning, that’s what it’s all about”. I’m going to say it’s sex because that’s a very likely option but it reads like something written by someone who ate way too much cheese the night before.
Rocking All the Way – this is straightforwardly about sex, supporting lyrical evidence “She’s goin’ all the way, she’s comin’ out to play, she’s sexy in her boots, tear up all the news”. It’s unclear why one sexy person wearing boots means that news should be torn up. Surely some of the people not busy with sexy things would like a newspaper?
Black Ice – crime, supporting lyrical evidence “I’ll kick, I creep crawl down your street, and gouge your eyes out”.
Conclusion – We got a new category of bad weather with 7% of this album being about a “Stormy May Day”. This album is 33% sex, 13% love, 13% crime, 13% rocking (the importance of), 7% personal power/ego, 7% war and 7% social norms.
The final album we’ll look at is Rock or Bust.
The next album we’re looking at is Stiff Upper Lip. We’ve got twelve categories of lyrical content to choose from (and if none of these fit we’ll create new ones). Our categories so far are; sex, gambling, rocking (the importance of), love, personal power/ego, crime, loneliness, parties, the human condition, rejection of social norms, alcohol and war.
Stiff Upper Lip – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Now, I warn you ladies, I shoot from the hip, I was born with a stiff, stiff upper lip”.
Meltdown – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “I look at her libido, hey hey hey”.
House of Jazz – I don’t know what a house of jazz is. Most of the song seems to be about people arguing on telly, supporting lyrical evidence “Kickin’ and a fightin’ on a TV show”. I can’t tell if the house of jazz is a refuge or a place where this ridiculous type of programme is made. There’s not enough conflict for this to be categorised as war. I was going to call it the human condition because we’ve all seen this kind of telly but when I looked at Satellite Blues later on this album I decided I needed a new category called television to put this in.
Hold Me Back – personal power/ego, supporting lyrical evidence “You can’t hold me back, you get a heart attack”.
Safe in New York City – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Come on over baby and I’ll make you obscene”.
Can’t Stand Still – personal power/ego, supporting lyrical evidence “From morning ’till midnight, you know I can’t stand still”.
Can’t Stop Rock ‘n’ Roll – rocking (the importance of), supporting lyrical evidence “I said you can’t stop rock n roll”.
Satellite Blues – this seems to be about getting a satellite telly dish and then becoming dissatisfied with it and sending it back. Supporting lyrical evidence “A picture clear for watchin’, the dish is running hot”, then “Can’t get nothing on the dial, the frickin’ thing’s gone wild” and “This thing’s nothing but a load of crap, I’m gonna send it right back”. This is in the television category.
Damned – I’m calling this social norms because it’s about things society (or mainstream sections of it) frowns upon. Supporting lyrical evidence “I’ll be damned if I drink or smoke, damned if I steal your joke”.
Come and Get It – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “I’ve got my filly wrapped in red, upon my double decker bed”. Double decker bed implies that AC/DC have bunk beds. I bet they’re so cool they don’t even use the ladder to access the top bunk, the probably just jump down. The backing vocals on this track are quite sinister.
All Screwed Up – this is about being brung low by a woman (maybe a woman who doesn’t like bunk beds?), supporting lyrical evidence “And when you can’t take no more, then she push you out that door” so I’m categorising it as love. The Ramones also have an excellent song called All Screwed Up with the same theme.
Give It Up – sex, supporting sex lyrical evidence “Sitting pretty, all ready to bite, she givin’ up a bit of cream delight”. Later in the song we hear “Well, there’s a big storm a-howlin’, around here, and there be no wine, no cinnamon and no beer”, why is cinnamon such a necessity? Was a post-coital crumble going to be made? I always add cinnamon to a crumble.
Conclusion – We’ve had a new category of television, with 17% of the album on this topic. There is 42% sex, 17% personal power/ego, 8% rocking (the importance of), 8% social norms and 8% love.
The next album we’ll look at is 2008’s Black Ice.
The next album we’re looking at is Ballbreaker. We’ve got twelve categories of lyrical content to choose from (and if none of these fit we’ll create new ones). Our categories so far are; sex, gambling, rocking (the importance of), love, personal power/ego, crime, loneliness, parties, the human condition, rejection of social norms, alcohol and war.
Hard as a Rock – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “She gives a lickin’ that doesn’t stop” and the delightful “Her hot potatoes, will elevate you”. These are sex potatoes.
Cover You in Oil – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Pull on the zip, she give good lip service” and “She make you hot, you spray your lot”.
The Furor – sex and crime, this seems to be a song about escaping from the law to a woman, supporting crime lyrical evidence “Frame of mind, cross the line to a new state, I can shake the law”, supporting sex lyrical evidence “I’m your furor baby”. This song makes me think of the Zodiac Mindwarp lyric “Sex fuhrer baby, I’m the love dictator”. Maybe Zodiac Mindwarp will be the next band to get an album by album lyrical dissection complete with pie charts.
Boogie Man – sex. At this point, will you just trust me without me giving you supporting lyrical evidence?
The Honey Roll – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Honey roll over, and lettuce on top”.
Burnin’ Alive – war, supporting lyrical evidence “It’s an all out war, an all out war”.
Hail Caesar – personal power/ego, supporting lyrical evidence is all of it, it’s about the historical figure Julius Caesar from the Romans.
Love Bomb – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Open your bays and drop those bombs away”. Bombs = sperms in this instance.
Caught with Your Pants Down – sex, supporting lyrical evidence “Woman workin’ so hot, givin’ it everything you got”.
Whiskey on the Rocks – alcohol, supporting lyrical evidence “I’ve been drinkin’ all night long”.
Ballbreaker – sex, perhaps very specifically the sort where when climax is impending the sensation is heightened by reducing oxygen supply. Anyway, whatever is happening here isn’t vanilla, supporting lyrical evidence “She threw me on the bed, her hand went for my throat, as I began to choke, she said, Honey shoot your load”.
Conclusion – This album is 68% sex, 9% war, 9% personal power/ego, 9% alcohol and 5% crime.
The next album we’ll look at is 2000’s Stiff Upper Lip.