Terminus and Sykko Dollz at the Chill Bar, Ilfracombe, Saturday 9th September 2017

IMG_6301.JPGHave you ever lived life on the dirty side of midnight with some salsa dancing pirates? It’s a lot of fun but keep an eye on your bucket and spade. Ilfracombe is not near Oxford so the Terminus camp decided to make a weekend of it. It was a mostly* good journey to the seaside. It’s rare you get a whole car of people who all like fig rolls.

My first sighting of the Chill Bar was when load in happened at 11am. I loved it on first sight and we got a hugely warm welcome from Isabel. After load in Ilfracombe was our oyster. There were arcades, the harbour, a bike rally, pubs and a chocolate emporium. We promenaded and found fun. Helen held a snake, I bought a souvenir teaspoon rest (it’s not all rock ‘n’ roll). In the early evening the Sykko Dollz answered the question “What shall we do with the drunken vocalist?” with “Send him for a snooze until he’s sober”.

The Chill Bar was host to a 30th birthday party for Sophie who dances splendid salsa and it made for a mixed musical evening. It’s not often I hear The Vengaboys, Ken Dodd and Gypsy Pistoleros numbers all in one evening. It’s also not often that I have a pink bucket and spade with me on a Saturday night (thanks Steve and Michelle). I sipped a sex on the beach and looked around me at all the seamen and wenches. Aarrrr! This be a fine hostelry, I thought.

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Open up and say “Aarrrr!”

Terminus went on at nine, the pirating hour. Dean had on a double dose of guyliner, one lot for rock singing and a second lot for pirating. His parrot had developed a puncture but luckily Lawrence was on hand to fix it with some gaffa tape. The bar bounced to Terminus’s cover of “All The Small Things”. The salsa dancers did some very fine grind, wiggle, wiggling to Rose Tattoo’s “Sweetmeat”. Heavy Metal Panda got introduced to the crowd and was very excited. As well as dancing there was cutlass waving (only plastic and inflatable ones, no need for alarm) and I waved my pink spade. The set ended with Rage Against The Machine’s sweartastic “Killing In the Name”.

Sykko Dollz gave us a treasure chest of catchy choruses and singalong numbers. I can’t wait until they’ve finished their EP. The crowd sang along, belting out “I win, you lose, should have known better”, “She’s my girl” and “Life ain’t easy when you’re riding all night”. The Abba cover “Does Your Mother Know?” was delivered with a camp tongue in cheekness that had an element of Jack Sparrow to it. A trio of Sykko Clowns came out with shots and kicked the party up a notch. The Dollz ended with a Gypsy Pistoleros song with a chorus that goes “Hey, hey, hey, where did I go wrong? I’m living my life on the dirty side of midnight”.

I like it on the dirty side of midnight…

 

The gig in brief:

Number of Motörhead T-shirts in venue – 2

Number of salsa dancers in venue – loads of accomplished ones.

Number of pink bucket and spade sets lost by absent minded party goers – 1

Best anagram of Ilfracombe – frolic beam

Cutest pirate/Sykko Clown – Evie Franklin

 

*We stopped at Gordano services. I ordered a tuna and sweetcorn six inch sub. The man filled two inches of it and then realised he’d run out of tuna. He offered me other things to complete it but I don’t like tuna with other things. I assume that Gordano services was started by three men called Gordon, Daniel and Noel who were on a mission to serve overpriced food to a wide section of the population in slightly too bright surroundings. There must be a parallel universe somewhere in which three men called Noel, Daniel and Gordon decided service stations should be pleasing and so they opened Onadrog services which is a wonderful place where the food served is tasty, reasonably priced and from the local area and people are fully aware of how much tuna they’ve got.

Anyway, the moral of this story is don’t start a fish based task you can’t finish and if you promise six inches and can only deliver two there will be disappointment.

 

 

Inspiration and Belonging – A Love Letter to The Cellar

Cellar
Photo Courtesy of Sam Tomlin

The Cellar (and its previous incarnation as The Dolly) is too important a venue to be lost. It has a rich musical history and for me and many others it’s part of our personal history.

You can sign a petition here to Save Oxford’s nightlife. Stop the closure of The Cellar.

The live music is obviously a key part of The Cellar’s charm and individuality. Here’s a list of bands I’ve seen in The Cellar; Dedlok, KARN8, Elmbridge Court, Western Sand, Fireroad, A Higher Demise, Remnant, Black Light Machine, Get Loose, Savage Messiah, Desert Storm, Last Great Dreamers, Steamroller, Contraverse, 12 Gauge, Theia UK, Terminus, Black Iron Priest, Ded Orse, Control The Storm, Hell’s Gazelles, Bad Behaviour, Hell’s Gazelles again, Texas Flood, Toadstool, Triaxis, Bigfoot, Terminus again.

I also saw a load of bands in The Cellar’s previous incarnation as The Dolly; The Bad Men, JOR, Bad To The Bone, Charlie Mouse, to name but a few. It was my regular Sunday night haunt back in the late 80s and early 90s.

But it’s not even just the music, it’s having somewhere to belong, somewhere to find people who get excited about the same music you do. The Cellar is used by diverse music groups, (some of which sound dreadful to me but that’s not the point). We don’t need any more shops but we do need meeting places and we do need to give music somewhere to happen. The Cellar is perfect for intimate gigs and becoming intimate with people.

Drinking in The Dolly and The Cellar in part inspired me to write my Eviscerated Panda Saga, about a fictional metal band. I wonder how many audience members have stood in The Cellar and decided that they want to play an instrument or sing?

Here’s a list of ten highly personal weird/notable things that I remember happening in the Dolly/Cellar;

  1. The time a chap put a six inch nail up his nose to impress me.
  2. The stripper that looked like Geoffrey from Rainbow.
  3. The man with handcuffs in his waistcoat pocket who told me he was journalist and asked if I wanted to go home with him but I didn’t because I find waistcoats deeply unattractive.
  4. The time I was sad and it looked like Mick Jagger shed a tear (there used to be a Rolling Stones poster in the Dolly and it is a damp sort of place so maybe Mick just happened to drip at that point, but it felt like a communion between the two of us).
  5. The night the Bad Men played (chaos, pure chaos).
  6. The night I was drunk and threw a rose onstage to the singer, thinking I was Rene from the Rene and Renata video.
  7. Me realising you can be mates with someone even if you’ve both shagged the same chap. Basically this makes you sperm sisters and everyone deserves to be happy, although your happy ending may not be where you expect to find it.
  8. Charlie Mouse’s intro music.
  9. Listening Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” being karaoke’d every week for ages.
  10. The awesome DJs (special mention should go to Paul Axtell, Terry Webb and John Chadwick).

Let’s do our best to preserve this little niche of Oxford where wonderful sounds can be heard, connections can be made and life can be lived loudly.

FyreSky, Silent Jack and Terminus at The Wheatsheaf, Oxford, 25th August 2017

IMG_6061.JPGThere was a small horde of three people waiting to get in upstairs at the Wheatsheaf tonight. This kind of  bank holiday weekend keenness set the mood for the rest of the evening. It was a friendly bunch who came through the doors and got the usual “The Wheatsheaf ate my Baby” hand stamp from the lovely Lou.

FyreSky kicked us off nice and heavily. I recommend checking out their track Thunder Child on You Tube. A massive congratu-well done to the bass player for finding time to put on some serious make-up before coming out tonight. Earlier this week Terminus had suggested if people are in a rush after work that they just wash the three F’s then hasten to the pub.

Next up we had Silent Jack who are hard rockers from Birmingham. These guys gave great medley within their song “Love Factory”. There was a bit of Alice Cooper, a bit of Warrant, and much more besides, getting us in the mood for Terminus’s covers to come. I started to get interested in the idea of a Love Factory and wondered how many employees are in this factory? Is there a cafeteria? What’s the pension plan like? Is there time off at Christmas? I like music that makes me think. I also enjoyed the song “Too Many Women”. I counted how many women were present during this song. There were seven. You can check out Silent Jack on Reverbnation. It’s feel good bouncey stuff.

Terminus Set List.jpgPre-gig Terminus had the usual conversation about not speeding up towards the end of the songs, with everyone thinking everyone else does it but they don’t. Perhaps it’s an inevitable part of life that when engaged in doing something pleasurable chaps will speed up towards the end.

Terminus’s set tonight had a bit of a school disco feel. A lot of the audience had seen Terminus before and knew what to expect. I like watching the ebb and flow of the crowd, watching people’s faces change when one of their favourite songs gets played. My faves tonight were Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction’s “Prime Mover” (a great song from an under-rated artist) and Black Pistol Fire’s “Suffocation Blues” (Dean has started using his mike lead to suggest a strangle-wank during this song). I loved watching the dancing to Rose Tattoo’s “Sweetmeat”. The grind, wiggle wiggle seems to be catching on.

Terminus next play the Wheatsheaf on the 30th December and it should be a very fun  New Year’s Eve Eve Party so pop over to Facebook and add yourself to the event.

 

 

Terminus and Pandamönium at Fat Lils, Witney, Saturday 12th August 2017

Terminus are back in Witney less than a month after their date with Stone Trigger and the Sykko Dollz. They play two new songs tonight so the set feels both fresh and familiar to the Terminus faithful.

The first new song is Thin Lizzy’s Jailbreak. For ages the lyric “Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town” has made me think “Somewhere? It’ll happen at the jail surely, what are the other venue options?” but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a song about a metaphorical jailbreak, a break from the working week and the constraints of normal life.

WitneyCallingAnimalThere was a minor rock and roll moment when part way through second new song, Black Sabbath’s Paranoid, Dean kicked his music stand and A4 lyrics folder with Animal from The Muppets on into the crowd like he’s a stationery based version of Paul Simonon from The Clash. Edgy!

Terminus played the stuff that they’ve learnt over the past three years of gigging gets their crowd going. They opened with The Cult’s Lil’ Devil. They gave us what is fast becoming their signature tune, Rose Tattoo’s Sweetmeat, with the grind, wiggle, wiggle dance and the lyric “I like to bite it, I like to roll it in my teeth”. I think this refers to Angry Anderson’s modus operandi when eating a Drumstick lolly.  Drumstick.jpg

There was some great “Oi!” shouting from the crowd during AC/DC’s TNT and then during Whole Lotta Rosie I noticed that Dean, who had previously been very up close and personal with the crowd, singing lines at individual members, dishing out high fives, politely stared dead ahead for “she ain’t exactly pretty, she ain’t exactly small”. This could have been totes awks if his singing to specific people had continued. Rumour has it that Dean has been asked to contribute a chapter to Debrett’s upcoming book “Social Etiquette for Lead Singers”.

The Kiss cover Detroit Rock City for a moment created Witney Rock City* and Terminus closed with Rage Against The Machine’s Killing In The Name. I love this song and having my old mate Gareth next to me and us dancing like it’s still the 1990s was a treat and a tonic.

Headline act Pandamönium came onstage to the Steptoe and Son theme tune (and this made me think of the days when Charlie Mouse would come onstage to the song A Windmill In Old Amsterdam).

You can trust Pandamönium to do metal because they’ve got an umlaut. They opened with Michael Schenker’s Armed And Ready. They followed this with a meaty version of Judas Priest’s Grinder. I’d also like to hear a vegetarian option of this song, lyrically along the lines of “Grinder! Looking for chickpeas to make houmous, Grinder! You can get all the protein you need from plants actually”.

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Are Pandamönium’s legs this hairy?

Accept’s Balls to the Wall sounded hairy. Sabbath’s Children Of The Grave galloped along, with James Knapp’s bass expertly herding us through this classic. AC/DC’s Live Wire was a good choice, as was Priest’s Metal Gods. I find I’m humming cowbell heavy Hair Of The Dog by Nazareth today, Gareth Kerry having percussed it superbly and Mark Cunningham’s vocal embroidery proving as florid as his Western shirt**. Guitarists Liam and John wearing Terminus vests provided a handy hint for the audience to remind them which of the personnel were in both Pandamönium and Terminus.

 

It’s my first time in a while hearing Sabbath’s Country Girl and Priest’s The Rage. Pandamönium have chosen some less well covered stuff because they love it and who can argue with that decision? They played a set with some surprises rather than the obvious. A few people wanted to be able to buy a Pandamönium T-shirt so I hope this happens in future, they have a very cute and spiky logo.

 

The gig in brief:

Number of Motörhead T-shirts in venue: 3

Number of Terminus T-shirts/vests in venue: 5 (not counting the ones sat patiently on the merch stall waiting for a new owner).

Number of Belly Dancers in venue: 2

 

*Yeah, Witney is a town, this is a confusion that happened before with the Sleaze in The City tour, but what you don’t know is that when I go to Witney I take a very, very small cathedral in my pocket, thus rendering it a city for a short while.

**Embroidery is so on trend this season.

OXROX ALIVE Festival Saturday 5th August 2017

OXROX Alive.jpgYesterday I saw Blaze Bayley sing Wolfsbane’s epic song Manhunt at OXROX ALIVE Festival and I briefly felt like it was 1989 again. The lyric “Ooh! They’ve got their dresses tight! Gonna set this town alight!” made me smile. They don’t write ’em like that any more. The heavy metal pantomime that is Blaze Bayley must have grabbed a whole grove of invisible oranges during his performance. He whipped the crowd up like he was making butterscotch Angel Delight. He was ably assisted by his backing band, who are splendid in their own right as Absolva when BB isn’t on board. He left me wanting more, so I shall have to go and see him again.

I didn’t see all the bands because I was gossiping in the sunshine (I did hear them all from my spot on the grass and it was all marvellous metal as far as my ears could hear). I ventured inside to the attractively curtained* club house for noisy duo My Diablo who are basically two men with the energy and volume of four. I also watched Desert Storm. I’ve seen them perhaps ten times now and they are always musically tight and doomily satisfying.

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Heavy Metal Panda welcomes pink Fl’obble to her new home

I also became aware of the great work done by the Rock Against Child Pornography and Abuse UK (RAPCA UK) charity and purchased a Fl’obble from them that matches my hair. I had a great time at this intimate festival and I got chips. This is the life!

 

 

*My Nan used to work in Co-op’s soft furnishings department so I notice these details.

 

The gig in brief:

Number of women having their dresses tight: Lots, including me.

Number of women setting the town alight: 0 (All us women with our dresses tight got into a little huddle and decided we didn’t want to get the festival organisers in trouble by going on a fiery rampage).

Number of crisps flavours available behind bar: 6, plus Smarties were available so I had some of those.

Phrase I giggled most after saying: “Can I offer you a small handful?”

Bands Say The Funniest Things…

Stone TrigFrom 20th to 23rd July I’ll be chronicling the adventures of Terminus as they go on tour with Sykko Dollz and Stone Trigger. I hope all these chaps are having an early night tonight and I hope they’ve planned their tourdrobes*.

I predict it’s going to get quite rock n roll out there. At the very least people are going to eat sandwiches without putting a plate under them. People are going to stay up past midnight. People might not change their pants** every day.

I have no doubt some amusing things will get said while people are cooped up in a van. Until this happens, let’s have a reminder of some words from three great films about playing gigs/touring; Bad News Tour (1983), This Is Spinal Tap (1984) and David Brent Life On The Road (2016).

BadNewsQuotes from Bad News Tour:

Colin Grigson “Another heavy-metal day. No sleep until Castle Donington. Better have some vibes”.

Vim Fuego “Oh Jimi who art in heaven, Hendrix be thy name”.

Spider Webb “It’s all anarchy, innit?”

Den Dennis “I’m not getting back in the van until Alan says we’re heavy metal”.

Spinal TapQuotes from Spinal Tap:

Nigel Tufnell “I’ll rise above it. I’m a professional.”

Nigel Tufnell “They see us onstage with tight trousers. We’ve got, you know, armadillos in our trousers. It’s really quite frightening”.

David St Hubbins “They were still booing him when we came on stage”.

Derek SmallsWe’re very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they’re like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They’re two distinct types of visionaries, it’s like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water”.

Ian Faith (band manager) “Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful”.

BrentAnd finally, although this is a much more recent film and the music isn’t as heavy as I’d like, David Brent’s Life On The Road sums things up nicely with this quote from the Brentmeister General:

“I don’t need to be a rock star, you know? That’s just something I enjoy doing. I can live without being a success. But um, I couldn’t have lived without trying, and I did that. So, and everything works out, doesn’t it? You think you want one thing, along the way, and then you realise you needed something else. Life’s a struggle, with little beautiful surprises that make you wanna carry on through all the shit to the next little beautiful surprise, so yeah. All good”.

 

*A tourdrobe is a tour wardrobe – the clothes you wear on tour.

**If you’re reading this Mum, I will be changing my pants every day.

Happy International Day Of Slayer

Yeah, you read that right, it’s International Day Of Slayer! I’ve just counted and I make 57 mentions of Slayer in Cleo Howard’s Diaries and 44 in the Eviscerated Panda Saga. They’ve been in my ears for years and as a teenager I sulked around garden centres with my family while wearing a Slayer T-shirt, wanting to be left to listen to Slayer on my Walkman (for younger readers a Walkman is an olden days MP3 player that you put cassette tapes in). “Cheer up faceache, I’ll buy you some fudge” my nan would say and I’d muster a small number of words affirming that I suppose I could probably eat some fudge. I bet Tom Araya isn’t eating fudge I’d be thinking. I bet he’s doing something cool and no one has asked his opinion on which is the healthiest looking clematis.

Episode 20 Slayer T

Anyway, here are the January 1997 entries from Cleo Howard’s Diary that mention Slayer:

Saturday 4th January 1997

Tonight at the Green Man (Reading’s best pub, Dear Diary) there was me, Ian, Jenni, Bob and Simon The Raspberry. I love going to the pub. We sat in a corner by a fireplace. There was great stuff played on the jukebox: Megadeth’s “In My Darkest Hour”, Ozzy Osbourne’s “Bark at the Moon”, Slayer’s “Angel of Death” and Entombed’s “Demon”.

Sunday 12th January 1997

I lay in bed all morning reading The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy and listening to Slayer’s Reign in Blood album. Then I got up for dinner (cheese crispy pancakes, peas and mash, followed by yummy Viennetta). Then I lay in bed all afternoon until Mum made me go up the shop for her to get loo roll because we’ve run out. She made me brush my hair as well as getting dressed! For Lemmy’s sake, it’s a Sunday, and no-one cares if you buy loo roll with untidy hair. Also, she works in a supermarket, so why do we keep running out of basic stuff?

 Monday 20th January 1997

It was so hard to get out of bed today. I wanted to stay in my cosy sleep fog. If it wasn’t for Mum shouting up the stairs and for Slayer’s “South of Heaven” I’d never have got upright.

Some twats at school today were going on about how great ecstasy is and how Brian Harvey shouldn’t have got kicked out of East 17 for taking it. Frankly I don’t care how East 17 end, just so long as they do.

Meanwhile, I’ve got bigger stuff to think about, should I dye my hair blonde? The Great Kat looks amazing. Ian said she gives him a stiffy of epic proportions. He thinks she would give the best hand jobs in the world because of her guitar virtuosity. I said maybe she’ll tug him off and record his grunting noises and squeals of pleasure as a track on her next album.

Lex and Mopey Dick spoke to me and Jenni today. They are in the sixth form and are Goths. Jenni fancies Lex even more than she fancies Dazza. Mopey needed to borrow some eyeliner. He said he felt naked without it. He talks really slowly, like just being alive is an effort. He sounds a bit like a record played at the wrong speed. His proper name is Richard Rippingdale and he tried to get everyone to call him “Ripper”, which is a very good Goth name, but instead every calls him Mopey Dick, which suits him well.

We did long division in Maths today. I did really, really long division because it seems to take me longer than everyone else.

 

Eric Gales & Gary Hoey 2nd June 2017, Nells Jazz And Blues Club, London.

It’s Friday night, I’m leaning against something sticky and vibrating and I’m hoping this doesn’t end too soon. I’m watching the penultimate song of Eric Gales’ set and the sticky vibrating thing is the wall of Nells Jazz And Blues Club, West Kensington. What is a Motörhead T-shirt wearing self-confessed metal head doing in a Jazz (small shudder) and Blues Club? Watching really great guitarists, that’s what. I’ve been excited since I queued in the very friendly queue outside, looking through the window of the Sainsbury’s Local below the venue at some unripe bananas.

Eric Gales gets a lot of Hendrix comparisons and these are well deserved but he’s got a style totally his own. My two favourite songs in his set were Sea of Bad Blood and Voodoo Child (Slight Return) which featured the riff from AC/DC’s Back In Black, something that should be heard every Friday night, across every land. For set list nerds, here’s a link: Eric Gales’ Set List.

I love the stories between Gales’ songs. I love that he tries a British accent and can say “splendid” splendidly. He’s one year clean and he somehow leaves you better than he found you. He plays with such passion in his face, wearing expressions that range from a child trying lemon for the first time, to opening a letter reminding you it’s time for a dental check-up, to a dog eating peanut butter, to one of those sneezes that you think you’re going to do but it vanishes. His honeyed words about his wife LaDonna are charming, she plays percussion with such energy. His bass player, Cody Wright, begins be-hatted and then gets too hot for it and drummer Nick Hay pounds his kit like it’s asked him to be rough with it. Talented musicians all, it’s a pleasure to watch them.

The opening act tonight was Gary Hoey, a chap I have read a little about in Lita Ford’s autobiography and met briefly on the Keeping The Blues Alive At Sea III cruise earlier this year. He’s black T-shirted and tattooed and he has a kind of punky grin at times, fifteen percent Sid Vicious, fifteen percent Billy Idol and seventy percent pure Hoey. My favourite songs in his set were Dust And Bones and Steamroller. For set list nerds, here’s a link: Gary Hoey’s Set List.

I know very little about blues but I do know that songs about trains are important and Hoey ticked that box by giving us Box Car Blues. There was a lot of smiling on stage between Hoey, Matt Scurfield on drums and AJ Pappas on bass. They look to be having a great time and it’s infectious.

Hoey1After the gig Gary Hoey was outside and we chatted and had a photo taken. There’s a lot of sweaty happiness in this picture. A big thank you to our chum Steve Betts for taking it, for being persuaded to join us on a night out and for putting up with all the bass player jokes aimed at him. We had a very good curry (and yes, my husband’s floral shirt did match the wallpaper in the Indian Express restaurant), a couple of drinks and we gave our ears a treat. So what if we’re tired tomorrow?

As we left West Kensington I noticed that the bananas in Sainsbury’s had ripened. The music must have drifted through the ceiling and helped them reach their potential. Whoever eats them is unwittingly ingesting a bit of the magic of Hoey and Gales. That’s going to make for a great snack.

10 Reasons Why Seeing Kiss Made Me Very Happy.

  1. The lyric “It ain’t a crime to be good to yourself”. This should be your new philosophy.
  2. Birmingham is a truly beautiful city. The library was lit up with rainbow lights for Pride.
  3. The song “Lick It Up” is a splendidly life affirming tune and also hints at sexy times. Snigger.
  4. My friend telling me her colleague’s misheard lyric; “I want to rock and roll all night, and part of everyday”. It’s not the correct Kiss lyric (party every day) but it is more realistic and achievable. If you’ve rock and rolled all night, you’re only going to be able to rock and roll for part of every day, not the whole day.
  5. Shouting “Paul, Paul, Paul!” like a crowd of needy drunk girlfriends in a town centre on a Saturday night. We don’t want to be the crowd he doesn’t get on the zip wire for and doesn’t get atop his lazy Susan rotating stage for. Not many men his age look so good in a spangly crop top. He asked how many of us have never seen Kiss before and told us we would remember this night. He took our Kiss cherries so gently and so thoroughly. Phew!
  6. The lyric “These are my people and this is my crowd” sung by fifteen thousand people of which you are one.
  7. Paul and Gene are constants, they’ve been doing this since before I was born.
  8. So much tongue wiggling. Probably way over the legal limit of tongue wiggling.
  9. The joy of hearing Americans pronounce Birmingham.
  10. A scene I like to imagine from Gene Simmons’ life; Mr Simmons, your Avon order is ready. Good. I’m going on tour and I like the shower gel that removes dried fake blood easily from my chest hair.
  11. The crowd singing “God Gave Rock And Roll To You” while walking out of the venue and continuing to sing all the way down the street outside.

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I’ve been ready for this gig since 1989 – Kiss 28th May 2017 Barclaycard Arena, Birmingham

Hello fifteen year old me in 1989,

Right now you’re grounded and in your bedroom listening to Kiss’s Destroyer LP. You won’t believe it but there’s going to come a time 28 years in the future when you get to see Kiss live!

Kiss

Mentions of Gene Simmons in the Pandas Saga:

“Cleo was enjoying talking to Shirl. They shared a fascination for Christopher Lee films. Shirl said she was always so nervous before a gig. She had begun playing bass guitar for fun, as a more interactive way of listening to music, stood in front of her mirror at home, pretending to be Jo Bench or Gene Simmons. She had never intended to do it in front of an audience”.

“Zodiac Mindwarp is the very best at this kind of hyperbolic sexual boasting. You aren’t meant to take it literally and get all offended. If he had indeed had twenty-thousand women, he’d needed to have slept with a woman a day from when he was born until he was fifty-five. Compare this to Gene Simmons who claims to have slept with four thousand and six hundred women. Gene is sixty-one years old. If we assume he began having sex at sixteen then that’s sixteen thousand, four hundred and twenty-five days of being sexually active, he’d have had to have slept with zero point twenty-eight of a woman per day, so it’s do-able and he might well have done. At the very least he’s done the maths”.

“Phil rang her doorbell. She let him in and gave him a long kiss in the small hallway. She’d been trying to think of a special sexual birthday treat for him. She struggled to think of a variety of coupling they hadn’t done multiple times. She whispered that she’d give him whatever he chose later.  She thought that anticipation could be an excellent form of foreplay. She had a massive wardrobe of teeny outfits in her bedroom and she had a libido the size of the Grand Canyon. On a good day Suzy could make Gene Simmons look shy”.

“Ian’s reply came in the form of a quote from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; ‘Space is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space’. He followed this up with ‘Don’t panic’ and pointed out that in another, parallel  universe Jez and Cleo got married and lived happily ever after, but in this one they didn’t. In one universe they never even met. In one universe the Spira was never discontinued. In one universe Glenn Danzig is a tall man. In one universe Jason Statham is unable to say the word ‘trousers’ in a threatening manner. In one universe Gene Simmons is a shy man who doesn’t like to put his name to merchandise and refuses offers of casual sex. In one universe Rocky’s wife has a proper girl’s name. In one universe Ted Nugent is a pacifist vegan. In one universe bass players get all the chicks. In one universe Pete Steele has average sized genitals. In one universe furry pants wear Manowar”.