10 Ways To Make Running Through A Field Of Wheat Naughtier

Inspired by Theresa May claiming that the naughtiest thing she’d done as a child was running through a field of wheat, I’ve come up with a list of ways to make this activity naughtier.

  1. Leave the gate open so the wheat escapes and The Wurzels get in*.
  2. Do it topless. Britain loves a streaker.
  3. Do it with a big box of Shredded Wheat, throwing them into the air and shouting “You’re home now, my beige crunchy beauties!” Beware of Ian Botham following you.Beefy
  4. Do it with a big box of Weetabix, throwing them into the air and shouting “Home sweet home for you Dunk, Bixie, Brains, Crunch and Brian”.1980s-Weetabix-Neet-Weet-Gang-A3-poster
  5.  Pause in the middle and play spin the bottle. If any of your colleagues say “It’s not fair boys kissing boys”** then quiz them on their gay marriage views.
  6.  Make a giant rude shape by flattening wheat and taking inspiration from the middle portion of the Cerne Abbas Giant.
  7. Take a big pile of library books about agriculture and rip out the last page so no one knows when to harvest things.
  8. Take a packed lunch but don’t eat the fruit.
  9. Pause in the middle to start a pub called The Wheatsheaf. Sell snakebite and black to underage field mice.
  10. Take a portable music player and play Anthrax’s “State Of Euphoria” album until the crows beg you for a change.

Surely it’s only a matter of time before I get a new job as a spin doctor? 😉



*What do you mean I know nothing of the ways of the country? I saw some of it through a car window once, making me eminently qualified to write this.

**I’m looking at you Tim Farron.


Last Of The Classic Trio Of Compo, Clegg and Foggy

I was sad to read of the death of Peter Sallis today. He was the last living actor of the classic Last Of The Summer Wine trio of Compo, Clegg and Foggy. You wouldn’t necessarily expect books about heavy metal to mention Last Of The Summer Wine but it gets three mentions in the Eviscerated Panda saga. It was so well written and with with such warm characters, portrayed by great actors.

Here are the mentions of Last Of The Summer Wine:

Cleo asked Jez’s parents questions about their lives and was genuinely interested. It soon became a cosy afternoon.

‘Are you still in that band, what’s it called, Underworked Engine?’ Ken asked.

‘Over-revved Engine. Yes, still going strong’ Jez replied.

‘Do you go and watch them?’ Grace asked Cleo.

‘Always. That’s where we met. They’re really good’ said Cleo.

They watched ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’. Cleo didn’t like the Howard and Marina story line. Marina reminded her of Suzy. She wondered if the character was named Marina because she saw a lot of seamen. She kept this thought to herself. She did enjoy how Compo, Clegg and Foggy still all hung out together having adventures. Foggy reminded her of Phil, he was so bossy and keen to impress his experience on the others.


‘Have you never wanted children Suzy?’ Asked Meredith.

‘No way. I don’t want to end up covered in mashed banana with a foo-foo like an Argos stockroom’. Suzy replied.

A massive foo-foo would go with her massive gob thought Meredith. Angie felt self-conscious and hoped no one would ask anything about her foo-foo. Her precious daughter was worth the resulting bodily changes, which weren’t that bad and which could be fixed if necessary. Suzy was a very vain woman thought Paul.

‘Rose is a beautiful name’. Meredith said.

‘Thank you. We thought it was a bit retro and classic’. Angie smiled.

‘It makes me think of Rose in ‘Keeping Up Appearances’, who in turn makes me think of Marina in ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’’. Suzy said.

‘Are those women who have been a big influence on you? Asked Tanith.

‘If you mean that they stood out as beacons of glamour in an otherwise drab group of people, then yes. If however, you mean because they’re both a bit slaggy, then no’. Suzy retorted.


The telly was on low in the background. While going through the Christmas Radio Times with her pink highlighter Cleo had spotted one of her favourite episodes of Last Of The Summer Wine entitled ‘Beware of Laughing at Nora’s Hats’, in which a piece of wood behind Herbert ‘Truly’ Truelove looks rude. They cheered when it hove into view. ‘I can just imagine Phil rolling down a hill riding a massive speaker cab, while Suzy is shagging Victor behind a dry stone wall’. Nick said.

Herbert Truelove photobombed by wood LOTSW

Popa Chubby 20th January 2017, The Stables, Wavendon, Milton Keynes

Popa Chubby is the second blues gig I’ve been to and I had such a good time. It was the first time I’ve been to The Stables, in Wavendon but it won’t be the last. It’s a really great venue with helpful staff and its theatre is called the Jim Marshall Auditorium. That’s a musical pedigree I can get behind.

You might be thinking why should I, a metal fan, want to know about Popa Chubby? Well, he caught my attention because of this song from his latest album:

Cool huh?

I sat to the left of Popa Chubby and throughout the gig I could see his nude lady tattoo moving while he played guitar so it was like getting a free topless dance show too. He did a Hendrix cover, “Hey Joe” and a cover of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”.

I’m going to let him in my ears via the medium of the compact disc:


And my husband and I got a photo with him after:


So my second ever blues gig was a very happy occasion!

Christmas ebook Giveaway in June

I don’t just write about heavy metal. I have also written a book of twenty-four short stories about Christmas. Stop reading now if you hate unseasonal mentions of Christmas.

My Christmas ebook is free until Tuesday 28th June. It can be found here:


Please feel free to share this link with any Christmas loving people you know.


A Christmas sale in June is an idea I got from the wonderful Reggie Perrin. The knitted chap with Reggie is called Ross and he’s the mascot for my Christmas book. You can find more pictures of him here:



I shall not mention Christmas again for months. As you were…


Two museums with skulls and be thankful for the Biro…

I live in Oxford which is a great literary city. People in Oxford think writing books is as normal as putting the bins out or going to the shop for milk. We also have some wonderful museums in Oxford, two of which I visited briefly today.

The Pitt Rivers Museum has anthropology and archaeology aplenty. These old writing implements caught my eye and made me glad to have a ballpoint pen in my bag. I usually carry at least two pens, always having a pen is sort of my special skill. So far this hasn’t been enough to make me the next James Bond but you never know, or maybe I could join the X-Men as Two Pens Tipper.

This museum also has shrunken heads and a tattoo exhibit, see https://www.prm.ox.ac.uk/ for more details.

Writing Implements

The Natural History Museum has skulls and skeletons galore but today this caught my eye. See http://www.oum.ox.ac.uk/ for more details. Every exhibit has a story to tell. I can’t explain this one.


A big heavy metal hello to you…

I’ve been writing heavy metal fiction since 2012. I love it. At 42 I’ve found my dream job. I always knew 42 was important (thank you Douglas Adams). I don’t have an agent for my writing yet but that is my aim. I’m going to have a book signing one day too. Right now when people ask me to sign my books I feel naughty, like I’m scribbling in something I shouldn’t. Respect the books, you don’t know where they can lead you.

I’ve got a head fizzy with ambition but I’ve sort of forgotten to tell anyone outside of heavy metal about my books, so that’s what this website aims to do. I haven’t had a website since the old Yahoo Geocities days but I’m sure I can press some words with this new fangled WordPress thingie.