Wednesday 6th August
Today we sat at Jenni’s kitchen table and made astrology not suck! You might wonder how we brought about this miraculous change, Dear Diary. We added the magic ingredient of heavy metal. I bet Mystic Meg didn’t see that coming.
Heavy Metal astrology is similar to regular astrology (in that it’s bollocks dreamed up for some diverting entertainment).
There are twelve signs, whichever one you are is dependent on the date of your birth (actual birth or when you began listening to metal). The signs are the Studded Wristband, the Skull, the Denim Patched Waistcoat, the Snake, the Leather Jacket, the Long Hair, the Cannons, the Horns, the Spooky Pumpkin, the Jack Daniels, the Cucumber and the Bat. Anyone wanting to change their heavy metal astrological sign can do so by giving me, Ian and Jenni a chocolate biscuit each. It’s that simple.
Date Ranges for Heavy Metal Zodiac Signs:
21 March – 19 April – the Studded Wristband
20 April – 20 May – the Snake
21 May – 20 June – the Denim Patched Waistcoat
21 June – 22 July – the Spooky Pumpkin
23 July – 22 August – the Leather Jacket
23 August – 22 September – the Long Hair
23 September – 22 October – the Cannons
23 October – 21 November – the Horns
22 November – 21 December – the Bat
22 December – 19 January – the Jack Daniels
20 January – 18 February – the Cucumber
19 February – 20 March – the Skull
Ian and I are both the sign of the Skull, Jenni is the Bat.
Predictions for this week:
Studded Wristband – You might have problems with Mars this week. Maybe keep your bars in the fridge so they don’t melt.
Snake – Avoid any Rue Morgues and strange lands this week. Lucky numbers are 666 and 22.
Denim Patched Waistcoat – Hoovering while wearing flares is an unwise move this week. Saturn says he might come round your house to return your Hawkwind LP but he doesn’t.
Spooky Pumpkin – Cryptic writings may cause a disagreement between you and a friend, practice tolerance because Mustaine riffs in mysterious ways.
Leather Jacket – You’ll be patronised by a Spice Girls fan this week who tries to tell you you’d like them if you listened to a whole album, tell them you think they are talking from Uranus.
Long Hair – Fortune favours the hairy this week and Timotei the patron saint of the shiny haired smiles upon you from a mountain stream, expect to win at least a tenner on the lottery.
Cannons – You find yourself in a situation as complex as the swirls on a Viennetta this week, don’t overthink it, just go to the pub.
Horns – You’ll win some and lose some this week, but that’s the way you like it, Baby.
Bat – Dark clouds gather which suits you fine and is all the better for initiating bewitching dark romances. A small sacrifice of dropping goat’s cheese on the floor should help matters along.
Jack Daniels – It’s going to be a Mötley Crüe fifth album kind of week so you’re safest spending most of it in bed.
Cucumber – This week Saturday will be your lucky bunday so be prepared for wearing or being a flesh tuxedo.
Skull – Cosmic forces align this week to make you irresistible to the opposite sex so wear your best pants and nip to Boots for some protection (and we don’t mean sun cream, wink wink).