The Very Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard 12th August 1997



Tuesday 12th August

Dilemma for Ian: If he could have sex with one of the Spice Girls but he had to listen to their album (on repeat if necessary) while he did it, would he?

Clarifying question: Can he hum very loudly? Answer, yes.

Clarifying question: Can he wear earplugs? Answer, no.

He’s thinking about it.

Ian and I picked blackberries for Betty today. There are loads of them in the lane at the back of her house. She told us to pick the ones from waist height and higher because she said some people walk their dogs along the back lane so the ones from lower down might have added ingredients. While we were picking blackberries a man with an Alsatian came down the lane. The dog looked affronted to find us there so he probably was going to wee on the blackberries.

Betty gave us some Battenberg and lemonade. She told me my hair looked lovely and it was my crowning glory. Then we went to Ian’s and listened to Deep Purple’s Stormbringer album. I thought the song “You Can’t Do It Right (With The One You Love)” was weird. If you can’t do it right with the one you love, then who can you do it right with? I think David Coverdale probably has loads of women on the go at once and gets cockfuzzled* about which one he likes best. Ian decided he would have sex with Ginger Spice while humming very loudly. He’d hum Iron Maiden’s “Wasted Years” because he finds that very satisfying to hum.


*Useful new word Dear Diary for describing being confused about who you like best. There is a female equivalent: fannywildered. This has happened to Ella more than once.

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