Inspired by Theresa May claiming that the naughtiest thing she’d done as a child was running through a field of wheat, I’ve come up with a list of ways to make this activity naughtier.
- Leave the gate open so the wheat escapes and The Wurzels get in*.
- Do it topless. Britain loves a streaker.
- Do it with a big box of Shredded Wheat, throwing them into the air and shouting “You’re home now, my beige crunchy beauties!” Beware of Ian Botham following you.
- Do it with a big box of Weetabix, throwing them into the air and shouting “Home sweet home for you Dunk, Bixie, Brains, Crunch and Brian”.
- Pause in the middle and play spin the bottle. If any of your colleagues say “It’s not fair boys kissing boys”** then quiz them on their gay marriage views.
- Make a giant rude shape by flattening wheat and taking inspiration from the middle portion of the Cerne Abbas Giant.
- Take a big pile of library books about agriculture and rip out the last page so no one knows when to harvest things.
- Take a packed lunch but don’t eat the fruit.
- Pause in the middle to start a pub called The Wheatsheaf. Sell snakebite and black to underage field mice.
- Take a portable music player and play Anthrax’s “State Of Euphoria” album until the crows beg you for a change.
Surely it’s only a matter of time before I get a new job as a spin doctor? 😉
*What do you mean I know nothing of the ways of the country? I saw some of it through a car window once, making me eminently qualified to write this.
**I’m looking at you Tim Farron.
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