10 Ways To Make Running Through A Field Of Wheat Naughtier

Inspired by Theresa May claiming that the naughtiest thing she’d done as a child was running through a field of wheat, I’ve come up with a list of ways to make this activity naughtier.

  1. Leave the gate open so the wheat escapes and The Wurzels get in*.
  2. Do it topless. Britain loves a streaker.
  3. Do it with a big box of Shredded Wheat, throwing them into the air and shouting “You’re home now, my beige crunchy beauties!” Beware of Ian Botham following you.Beefy
  4. Do it with a big box of Weetabix, throwing them into the air and shouting “Home sweet home for you Dunk, Bixie, Brains, Crunch and Brian”.1980s-Weetabix-Neet-Weet-Gang-A3-poster
  5.  Pause in the middle and play spin the bottle. If any of your colleagues say “It’s not fair boys kissing boys”** then quiz them on their gay marriage views.
  6.  Make a giant rude shape by flattening wheat and taking inspiration from the middle portion of the Cerne Abbas Giant.
  7. Take a big pile of library books about agriculture and rip out the last page so no one knows when to harvest things.
  8. Take a packed lunch but don’t eat the fruit.
  9. Pause in the middle to start a pub called The Wheatsheaf. Sell snakebite and black to underage field mice.
  10. Take a portable music player and play Anthrax’s “State Of Euphoria” album until the crows beg you for a change.

Surely it’s only a matter of time before I get a new job as a spin doctor? 😉



*What do you mean I know nothing of the ways of the country? I saw some of it through a car window once, making me eminently qualified to write this.

**I’m looking at you Tim Farron.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s