I’ve been ready for this gig since 1989 – Kiss 28th May 2017 Barclaycard Arena, Birmingham

Hello fifteen year old me in 1989,

Right now you’re grounded and in your bedroom listening to Kiss’s Destroyer LP. You won’t believe it but there’s going to come a time 28 years in the future when you get to see Kiss live!


Mentions of Gene Simmons in the Pandas Saga:

“Cleo was enjoying talking to Shirl. They shared a fascination for Christopher Lee films. Shirl said she was always so nervous before a gig. She had begun playing bass guitar for fun, as a more interactive way of listening to music, stood in front of her mirror at home, pretending to be Jo Bench or Gene Simmons. She had never intended to do it in front of an audience”.

“Zodiac Mindwarp is the very best at this kind of hyperbolic sexual boasting. You aren’t meant to take it literally and get all offended. If he had indeed had twenty-thousand women, he’d needed to have slept with a woman a day from when he was born until he was fifty-five. Compare this to Gene Simmons who claims to have slept with four thousand and six hundred women. Gene is sixty-one years old. If we assume he began having sex at sixteen then that’s sixteen thousand, four hundred and twenty-five days of being sexually active, he’d have had to have slept with zero point twenty-eight of a woman per day, so it’s do-able and he might well have done. At the very least he’s done the maths”.

“Phil rang her doorbell. She let him in and gave him a long kiss in the small hallway. She’d been trying to think of a special sexual birthday treat for him. She struggled to think of a variety of coupling they hadn’t done multiple times. She whispered that she’d give him whatever he chose later.  She thought that anticipation could be an excellent form of foreplay. She had a massive wardrobe of teeny outfits in her bedroom and she had a libido the size of the Grand Canyon. On a good day Suzy could make Gene Simmons look shy”.

“Ian’s reply came in the form of a quote from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; ‘Space is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space’. He followed this up with ‘Don’t panic’ and pointed out that in another, parallel  universe Jez and Cleo got married and lived happily ever after, but in this one they didn’t. In one universe they never even met. In one universe the Spira was never discontinued. In one universe Glenn Danzig is a tall man. In one universe Jason Statham is unable to say the word ‘trousers’ in a threatening manner. In one universe Gene Simmons is a shy man who doesn’t like to put his name to merchandise and refuses offers of casual sex. In one universe Rocky’s wife has a proper girl’s name. In one universe Ted Nugent is a pacifist vegan. In one universe bass players get all the chicks. In one universe Pete Steele has average sized genitals. In one universe furry pants wear Manowar”.


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