Wednesday 1^st July

Mum has moved David Seaman to the top of the kitchen cupboard. Ian and I went to see Betty. We had some dandelion and burdock. She said Alf used to call it dandelion and burpdock. I drank a whole glass but I’m not sure if I liked it or not. I liked that it was fizzy. I went to the library and borrowed five books:

Emmanuelle by Emmanuelle Arsan

The Further Experiences Of Emmanuelle by Emmanuelle Arsan

Dependence Day by Rob Newman

Fifth Formers of St Clares by Enid Blyton

Cake Decorating and Sugarcraft by Evelyn Wallace (Barry’s birthday is this month and I’m thinking of making him a cake).

Thursday 2^nd July

When I said Mum moved David Seaman I meant the free with Tetley tea mini David Seaman, not the actual one. I don’t know where he’s being stored until the next time he has to do football.

There has never been an Enid Blyton school story where someone got their period. Also, I don’t know why I’m bothering to read about school when I don’t have to think about it for two whole blissful months.

If Enid Blyton went to my school and lived in Reading she’d write more like this:

All the girls gathered round to hear about Ella’s latest boyfriend.

“Where did you go?” Asked Jenni excitedly.

“He took me to Yates Wine Lodge and then we went for a romantic walk along the canal”. Ella said dreamily.

“Did he try to kiss you?” Squealed Natalie, twisting and untwisting her Manchester United scarf in her hands.

“I snogged his face off and I gave him a love bite”. Ella boasted, sticking out her chest and looking like a pigeon behind Marks and Spencer that’s just seen someone drop half a croissant.

“Did he try and get you to pull him off?” Donna asked. Donna’s cousin had been out with the same boy and she knew his deepest desires (which were much the same as any boy’s deepest desires).

“Yeah, he wanted me to venture into his Calvins. You should have seen it girls, it was like a baby’s arm holding an apple”.

“Are you seeing him again? Are you in love with him?” Asked Natalie. The other girls liked Natalie but frankly thought she was a bit soppy.

“I’m seeing him tomorrow. I’ll probably bang his brains out”.

“You should be jolly careful you don’t get pregnant”. Holly scowled. She thought Ella was playing a dangerous game and she should concentrate on her A Levels and not have any fun at all.

“Is it true you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up?” Asked Natalie.

“Don’t be such a drongo”. Jenni said.

“Drongo?” Queried Holly.

“It means idiot, they say it all the time on Home And Away and because we haven’t got Sky I have to watch rubbish telly”. Jenni said.

“I’ll get him to wear a sarong next time for easy access”. Ella said.

“You is a well bad ho though”. Donna grinned, lighting up a Mayfair and giving Ella a high five.

I hate it when men’s parts are described as like a baby’s arm holding an apple for a number of reasons. First, I don’t want to have babies and any linking of babies with having sex puts me off and makes me panic that I’ll get pregnant. Second, that grabbing an invisible orange stance that Bruce Dickinson does always pops into my head when anyone says “baby’s arm holding an apple”.

 

Here is an extract from The Mega Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard 1998 which mentions Eurotrash:

Saturday 15^th August 1998

Ella wants to be Lolo Ferrari when she grows up (or should that be out, Dear Diary?). Lolo Ferrari is on Eurotrash and is famous for having massive tits. They remind me of Kenny Everett when he was being Cupid Stunt. Mum used to moan at Dad for letting me watch his Kenny Everett video. I wish I could watch it with him one more time. If he came back from the dead he might be angry I’d used his condoms or he might be too embarrassed to say anything.

Lex put the Sister’s Of Mercy’s “I Want More” on the jukebox and we said it was Lydia’s song (her surname is Moore). She talked to Mopey a little bit. Jenni said Lex looked lush tonight. He was wearing a fishnet top and you could see his nipples. Mopey was wearing a Placebo T-shirt. Shot was wearing a bikini top and a leather skirt. I wore my Nine Inch Nails vest. Everyone except Lydia has their own style. She was wearing a really common Marilyn Manson T-shirt which she only wears in the Green Man.