The Very Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard 30th July 1997

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VMD97Wednesday 30th July

Me and Jenni got kicked out of Ann Summers again today. It was going well and we were making our way steadily towards the back of the shop where they keep the weird stuff. Jenni picked up a bra and said to me, in an even posher than usual voice “Yes, I think my husband would approve of this”. The security guard came over and asked us our age and we said we were nineteen. He stroked his chin in that “I think that’s total bollocks” sort of way and told us we’d have to leave and to bring ID if we want to shop there.

 

Feeding Things To Snaggletooth

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Snaggletooth is so heavy metal he can eat Marmite right out of the jar. Don’t try it at home, it’ll make your face go all gurny and is far too salty for humans to eat undiluted by bread. You should try pancakes with bacon and maple syrup though. Also, if you have a chum who is gloomy buy them some Mojos and hoorah! Mojo back!

The Very Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard July 23rd to 27th 1997

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VMD97

Wednesday 23rd July

We listened to some of Gav’s records. Pete Steele claims to be influenced by The Beatles so we gave them a go. It turns out that they didn’t just do soppy rubbish like “I Wanna Hold Your hand”. They also did “Eleanor Rigby” which is dark and gloomy.

 Thursday 24th July

Ian is playing Doom with Matty today. Mum told me to tidy my room and put any washing in the laundry basket. I started doing this but got distracted when I found my Game Boy and ended up playing Tetris for a couple of hours.

 Friday 25th July

I nearly saw T-Reg’s youknowwhat today! We* were all mucking about in the park, listening to music on Ella’s portable CD player and he put my CD down his pants and invited me to get it back! It was dark down there and I didn’t put my hand in but I saw something fleshy. It made me think of the courgettes Mrs Butler brings round occasionally.

*Me, Ian, Ella, Lizzie, T-Reg and STF, Dear diary.

 Saturday 26th July

Jenni got back from holiday this morning. She went topless on a beach! So did Minty! And her Mum! Her Mum, Dear Diary! I told her about nearly seeing Reg’s youknowwhat but since she’d been on a nudist beach it wasn’t a great story any more.

I wore my Wonderbra out of the house for the first time. It’s making stuff happen already, someone at the bar spilt a drink on me and some of it went on my top instead of straight onto my feet. We’re calling it a gincident! I think T-Reg was staring at my chest. I hope it was in a good way and not in a Sherlock Holmes kind of mystified way: The case of the sudden stackedness.

Also, I saw Barry! I wasn’t sure if he’d remember me, but he did and he said Hi. I asked him where he was working at the moment. He said he’s doing a house extension in Pangbourne and there are no cheerful redheads to walk past and make his morning! He hasn’t seen me for a couple of months (it seems like an eternity) so he may think my chest is the genuine article. He was with two girls and two guys again and I still can’t tell if he’s got a girlfriend. He is absolutely gorgeous, even with the eyebrow. He was wearing black jeans and a Slayer T-shirt and looked cleaner than he does at work.

Sunday 27th July

Mum’s lottery obsession has finally paid off! She got four numbers! She said I can have the fourteen hole cherry red DMs I’ve been on about for ages, on the strict condition that I only wear them at weekends, and she is getting a new stair carpet.

Lita Ford’s Memoir – Living Like A Runaway

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LitaBook

Lita Ford has lived a long life in music and met many great musicians as well as being one. She’s got some stories to tell including getting crabs from Dee Dee Ramone and seeing Nikki Sixx wearing shoes two sizes too small for him because they were great shoes. A positive theme in the book is her parents’ unfailing love and support. I couldn’t help but wonder why Lita didn’t walk away from some situations she found herself in. Be ready to lose respect for Tony Iommi when you read Lita’s account of his violence towards her. When writing about meeting Tony Iommi she says “I could smell the leather coming from his closet”, this is a very heavy metal sentence and there are plenty more in the book.

The Last Living Slut by Roxana Shirazi

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Slut

This is a truly fascinating tale with none of the gory or explicit details left out, written by a smart woman who is doing what she wants and reconciling two sides of her personality. The word “slut” has power and needs to be taken back and Shirazi has made a good start. If you find yourself being shocked by Shirazi’s behaviour while reading, ask yourself would you still be shocked if she was a male musician?

If music and sex are important to you and you have an open mind you’ll enjoy this book. It’s not for those who are easily offended or don’t like reading descriptions of sex acts. It’s very bleak in parts and reminded me of a quote from The Rocky Horror Picture Show; “It’s not easy having a good time”. There are some great photos (some of which are topless). It’s rock ‘n’ roll and also rock ‘n’ rude throughout. I loved the realism of this book. There are a lot of famous musicians mentioned, hard rock rather than metal. I had totally forgotten about Towers Of London until this book reminded me of them.

Interestingly, this book cover isn’t the original cover that Shirazi wanted. I would love to see what she wanted.

 

 

Review of Rock Stars In Their Underpants by Paula Yates

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RockStarsInTheirUnderpants

This book of Polaroid photos from 1980 is splendid. It’s a bit short on words but if I’m honest I didn’t buy it for the words. That said, Paul Gambaccini, Peter Cook and Paula Yates write amusing introductions.

So, on to the snapshots; Ted Nugent wins the oddest underwear award, Lemmy’s smalls are red and jolly, Phil Lynott has chosen purple pants to protect his plums, Rod Stewart gives us a flash of pubes, whether we like it or not, we get two great shots of Rick Parfitt, and four of Jools Holland who looks secure in his snazzily patterned briefs. There was no manscaping in the late seventies, I reflected, while looking at a hairy Elton. Reg Presley’s brown and orange nylon knickers reminded me of my Nan’s wallpaper. I left the book open on Pete Way and I got the impression that UFO might have stood for Underpant Frontal Object, it sort of followed me round the room in an eerie fashion. There’s no Robert Plant in this book because his spokesman said he was a bit chubby at the moment. Perhaps I’ll write a sequel and see if I can get him to take part.