If you really cared about someone in the 80s or 90s you could make them a mix tape. This could take hours and would involve your best handwriting on the inlay card.
Here is the YouTube version of the mix tape Ian makes for Cleo in February 1997
If you really cared about someone in the 80s or 90s you could make them a mix tape. This could take hours and would involve your best handwriting on the inlay card.
Here is the YouTube version of the mix tape Ian makes for Cleo in February 1997
My husband was home earlier than usual today so I accidentally captured my startle response on camera. I think there could be some horror film work for me in the future đ
Wearing a Hole T-shirt and looking a bit grumpy is a great 90s look. If you’d like to hear me read the July 17th to 31st entries you can do so here:
Tuesday 12th August
Dilemma for Ian: If he could have sex with one of the Spice Girls but he had to listen to their album (on repeat if necessary) while he did it, would he?
Clarifying question: Can he hum very loudly? Answer, yes.
Clarifying question: Can he wear earplugs? Answer, no.
Heâs thinking about it.
Ian and I picked blackberries for Betty today. There are loads of them in the lane at the back of her house. She told us to pick the ones from waist height and higher because she said some people walk their dogs along the back lane so the ones from lower down might have added ingredients. While we were picking blackberries a man with an Alsatian came down the lane. The dog looked affronted to find us there so he probably was going to wee on the blackberries.
Betty gave us some Battenberg and lemonade. She told me my hair looked lovely and it was my crowning glory. Then we went to Ianâs and listened to Deep Purpleâs Stormbringer album. I thought the song âYou Canât Do It Right (With The One You Love)â was weird. If you canât do it right with the one you love, then who can you do it right with? I think David Coverdale probably has loads of women on the go at once and gets cockfuzzled* about which one he likes best. Ian decided he would have sex with Ginger Spice while humming very loudly. Heâd hum Iron Maidenâs âWasted Yearsâ because he finds that very satisfying to hum.
*Useful new word Dear Diary for describing being confused about who you like best. There is a female equivalent: fannywildered. This has happened to Ella more than once.
Wednesday 6th August
Today we sat at Jenniâs kitchen table and made astrology not suck! You might wonder how we brought about this miraculous change, Dear Diary. We added the magic ingredient of heavy metal. I bet Mystic Meg didnât see that coming.
Heavy Metal astrology is similar to regular astrology (in that itâs bollocks dreamed up for some diverting entertainment).
There are twelve signs, whichever one you are is dependent on the date of your birth (actual birth or when you began listening to metal). The signs are the Studded Wristband, the Skull, the Denim Patched Waistcoat, the Snake, the Leather Jacket, the Long Hair, the Cannons, the Horns, the Spooky Pumpkin, the Jack Daniels, the Cucumber and the Bat. Anyone wanting to change their heavy metal astrological sign can do so by giving me, Ian and Jenni a chocolate biscuit each. Itâs that simple.
Date Ranges for Heavy Metal Zodiac Signs:
21 March – 19 April – the Studded Wristband
20 April – 20 May – the Snake
21 May – 20 June – the Denim Patched Waistcoat
21 June – 22 July – the Spooky Pumpkin
23 July – 22 August – the Leather Jacket
23 August – 22 September – the Long Hair
23 September – 22 October – the Cannons
23 October – 21 November – the Horns
22 November – 21 December – the Bat
22 December – 19 January – the Jack Daniels
20 January – 18 February – the Cucumber
19 February – 20 March – the Skull
Ian and I are both the sign of the Skull, Jenni is the Bat.
Predictions for this week:
Studded Wristband â You might have problems with Mars this week. Maybe keep your bars in the fridge so they donât melt.
Snake â Avoid any Rue Morgues and strange lands this week. Lucky numbers are 666 and 22.
Denim Patched Waistcoat â Hoovering while wearing flares is an unwise move this week. Saturn says he might come round your house to return your Hawkwind LP but he doesnât.
Spooky Pumpkin â Cryptic writings may cause a disagreement between you and a friend, practice tolerance because Mustaine riffs in mysterious ways.
Leather Jacket â Youâll be patronised by a Spice Girls fan this week who tries to tell you youâd like them if you listened to a whole album, tell them you think they are talking from Uranus.
Long Hair â Fortune favours the hairy this week and Timotei the patron saint of the shiny haired smiles upon you from a mountain stream, expect to win at least a tenner on the lottery.
Cannons â You find yourself in a situation as complex as the swirls on a Viennetta this week, donât overthink it, just go to the pub.
Horns â Youâll win some and lose some this week, but thatâs the way you like it, Baby.
Bat â Dark clouds gather which suits you fine and is all the better for initiating bewitching dark romances. A small sacrifice of dropping goatâs cheese on the floor should help matters along.
Jack Daniels – Itâs going to be a Mötley CrĂŒe fifth album kind of week so youâre safest spending most of it in bed.
Cucumber â This week Saturday will be your lucky bunday so be prepared for wearing or being a flesh tuxedo.
Skull â Cosmic forces align this week to make you irresistible to the opposite sex so wear your best pants and nip to Boots for some protection (and we donât mean sun cream, wink wink).
Wednesday 30th July
Me and Jenni got kicked out of Ann Summers again today. It was going well and we were making our way steadily towards the back of the shop where they keep the weird stuff. Jenni picked up a bra and said to me, in an even posher than usual voice âYes, I think my husband would approve of thisâ. The security guard came over and asked us our age and we said we were nineteen. He stroked his chin in that âI think thatâs total bollocksâ sort of way and told us weâd have to leave and to bring ID if we want to shop there.
Wednesday 23rd July
We listened to some of Gavâs records. Pete Steele claims to be influenced by The Beatles so we gave them a go. It turns out that they didnât just do soppy rubbish like âI Wanna Hold Your handâ. They also did âEleanor Rigbyâ which is dark and gloomy.
 Thursday 24th July
Ian is playing Doom with Matty today. Mum told me to tidy my room and put any washing in the laundry basket. I started doing this but got distracted when I found my Game Boy and ended up playing Tetris for a couple of hours.
 Friday 25th July
I nearly saw T-Regâs youknowwhat today! We* were all mucking about in the park, listening to music on Ellaâs portable CD player and he put my CD down his pants and invited me to get it back! It was dark down there and I didnât put my hand in but I saw something fleshy. It made me think of the courgettes Mrs Butler brings round occasionally.
*Me, Ian, Ella, Lizzie, T-Reg and STF, Dear diary.
 Saturday 26th July
Jenni got back from holiday this morning. She went topless on a beach! So did Minty! And her Mum! Her Mum, Dear Diary! I told her about nearly seeing Regâs youknowwhat but since sheâd been on a nudist beach it wasnât a great story any more.
I wore my Wonderbra out of the house for the first time. Itâs making stuff happen already, someone at the bar spilt a drink on me and some of it went on my top instead of straight onto my feet. Weâre calling it a gincident! I think T-Reg was staring at my chest. I hope it was in a good way and not in a Sherlock Holmes kind of mystified way: The case of the sudden stackedness.
Also, I saw Barry! I wasnât sure if heâd remember me, but he did and he said Hi. I asked him where he was working at the moment. He said heâs doing a house extension in Pangbourne and there are no cheerful redheads to walk past and make his morning! He hasnât seen me for a couple of months (it seems like an eternity) so he may think my chest is the genuine article. He was with two girls and two guys again and I still canât tell if heâs got a girlfriend. He is absolutely gorgeous, even with the eyebrow. He was wearing black jeans and a Slayer T-shirt and looked cleaner than he does at work.
Sunday 27th July
Mumâs lottery obsession has finally paid off! She got four numbers! She said I can have the fourteen hole cherry red DMs Iâve been on about for ages, on the strict condition that I only wear them at weekends, and she is getting a new stair carpet.
This is what Cleo wrote in her diary on this day in 1997:
Thursday 12th June
Biology was good today. Baggers (sorry, Dear Diary, I mean Mr Bagnell) brought in some cow lungs still attached to the trachea and blew them up with a bellows. It was so much better than the dull stuff with plants we did last term. Jenni stood right at the front today and Baggers let her have a go with the bellows. Baggers asked how a smokerâs lungs would be different and all the smokers in the class stuffed their fag packets further down in their pockets and shuffled their feet and looked at the floor. Since Iâm no longer a smoker I didnât feel uncomfortable.
When Baggers was handing the lungs to the lab assistant to be taken away Carina Norman said âYouâd better hide them well in the rubbish, Jenni will be looking for them to suck the blood outâ.
Ian and I gave her loads of cut eye but as usual Jenni didnât need any help and said âIâve heard youâve sucked much worseâ and everyone started laughing at Carina (except Janine).
I watched my Alice Cooper videos: Welcome To My Nightmare and The Nightmare Returns. My nightmare is that Iâm not allowed to go and see Alice Cooper.
A reader of the Cleo Howard diaries reported the side effect that it made them want to eat Viennetta. I mention Viennetta in all of Cleo’s diaries. Mmm…Viennetta.
One of the fun things about recording The Very Metal Diary Of Cleo Howard was deciding which T-shirt to wear. This Danzig T-shirt is a classic.