Tuesday 12^th August

Dilemma for Ian: If he could have sex with one of the Spice Girls but he had to listen to their album (on repeat if necessary) while he did it, would he?

Clarifying question: Can he hum very loudly? Answer, yes.

Clarifying question: Can he wear earplugs? Answer, no.

He’s thinking about it.

Ian and I picked blackberries for Betty today. There are loads of them in the lane at the back of her house. She told us to pick the ones from waist height and higher because she said some people walk their dogs along the back lane so the ones from lower down might have added ingredients. While we were picking blackberries a man with an Alsatian came down the lane. The dog looked affronted to find us there so he probably was going to wee on the blackberries.

Betty gave us some Battenberg and lemonade. She told me my hair looked lovely and it was my crowning glory. Then we went to Ian’s and listened to Deep Purple’s Stormbringer album. I thought the song “You Can’t Do It Right (With The One You Love)” was weird. If you can’t do it right with the one you love, then who can you do it right with? I think David Coverdale probably has loads of women on the go at once and gets cockfuzzled* about which one he likes best. Ian decided he would have sex with Ginger Spice while humming very loudly. He’d hum Iron Maiden’s “Wasted Years” because he finds that very satisfying to hum.

 

*Useful new word Dear Diary for describing being confused about who you like best. There is a female equivalent: fannywildered. This has happened to Ella more than once.

Wednesday 6^th August

Today we sat at Jenni’s kitchen table and made astrology not suck! You might wonder how we brought about this miraculous change, Dear Diary. We added the magic ingredient of heavy metal. I bet Mystic Meg didn’t see that coming.

Heavy Metal astrology is similar to regular astrology (in that it’s bollocks dreamed up for some diverting entertainment).

There are twelve signs, whichever one you are is dependent on the date of your birth (actual birth or when you began listening to metal). The signs are the Studded Wristband, the Skull, the Denim Patched Waistcoat, the Snake, the Leather Jacket, the Long Hair, the Cannons, the Horns, the Spooky Pumpkin, the Jack Daniels, the Cucumber and the Bat. Anyone wanting to change their heavy metal astrological sign can do so by giving me, Ian and Jenni a chocolate biscuit each. It’s that simple.

Date Ranges for Heavy Metal Zodiac Signs:

21 March – 19 April – the Studded Wristband

20 April – 20 May – the Snake

21 May – 20 June – the Denim Patched Waistcoat

21 June – 22 July – the Spooky Pumpkin

23 July – 22 August – the Leather Jacket

23 August – 22 September – the Long Hair

23 September – 22 October – the Cannons

23 October – 21 November – the Horns

22 November – 21 December – the Bat

22 December – 19 January – the Jack Daniels

20 January – 18 February – the Cucumber

19 February – 20 March – the Skull

 

Ian and I are both the sign of the Skull, Jenni is the Bat.

 

Predictions for this week:

Studded Wristband – You might have problems with Mars this week. Maybe keep your bars in the fridge so they don’t melt.

Snake – Avoid any Rue Morgues and strange lands this week. Lucky numbers are 666 and 22.

Denim Patched Waistcoat – Hoovering while wearing flares is an unwise move this week. Saturn says he might come round your house to return your Hawkwind LP but he doesn’t.

Spooky Pumpkin – Cryptic writings may cause a disagreement between you and a friend, practice tolerance because Mustaine riffs in mysterious ways.

Leather Jacket – You’ll be patronised by a Spice Girls fan this week who tries to tell you you’d like them if you listened to a whole album, tell them you think they are talking from Uranus.

Long Hair – Fortune favours the hairy this week and Timotei the patron saint of the shiny haired smiles upon you from a mountain stream, expect to win at least a tenner on the lottery.

Cannons – You find yourself in a situation as complex as the swirls on a Viennetta this week, don’t overthink it, just go to the pub.

Horns – You’ll win some and lose some this week, but that’s the way you like it, Baby.

Bat – Dark clouds gather which suits you fine and is all the better for initiating bewitching dark romances. A small sacrifice of dropping goat’s cheese on the floor should help matters along.

Jack Daniels – It’s going to be a Mötley Crüe fifth album kind of week so you’re safest spending most of it in bed.

Cucumber – This week Saturday will be your lucky bunday so be prepared for wearing or being a flesh tuxedo.

Skull – Cosmic forces align this week to make you irresistible to the opposite sex so wear your best pants and nip to Boots for some protection (and we don’t mean sun cream, wink wink).